The Timberlake Appreciation Society Presents: BUM OUT!

So much more.

Good day my fellow Timberlake Appreciation Society members, it’s been ages since we’ve convened in the hallowed halls of our gilded headquarters.

To those of you just joining us, let me give you a quick primer: The Timberlake Appreciation Society was formed with a single common goal in mind: PROVE TO THE WORLD THAT JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IS WORTH LOVING.

Timberhaters? I’m not going to tell you to “hit the bricks,” however I will say this: hear me out! Yes, I know he wears fedoras and used to be the “Ramen Noodle-haired dude,” in NSYNC, but he’s also pretty hilarious and has no problem poking fun at himself. If you haven’t watched him host Saturday Night Live or an Awards show, you truly are missing out on his self-deprecating humor and lovable personality. Educate yourself, foo!

As for the Timberlake Appreciation Society’s esteemed and trusted fellow members: don your lacy cravats and velvet blazers and meet me in the solarium, we’ve had a development that must be discussed!

Many, many, months ago, JT announced he was marrying that chick from 7th Heaven, and I lamented all about it. Read the obituary past post here.

Well, it looks like this train wreck is still barreling down the tracks at “full mistake ahead,” because our society’s namesake, the prince of Pop and King of self-jokes, had his bachelor party this past weekend. BOO HISS!

Look, I’d love to go on an on about how Timberlake has really munsoned it up, by asking the sack of boring potatoes that is Jessica Biel, to be his wife…but I’ve given up.

JT is clearly that guy who “settled.” Sure, Oatmeal face seemed okay enough to date at the time, homeboy was just looking to get his timber tickled. But as time marched its cruel journey on, ol’ Milquetoast wore him down. Now, he’s convinced himself that it’s love when in reality, he’s just lazy.

Do not want.

Anyuglywives, while Justin was having his bachelor weekend, he and his crew thought it would be charming to moon the cameras. You’d think the occasion of getting to finally see JT’s nalgas would be a momentous occasion for our distinguished group of Timberlake Fans, but alas! I come to you today a truly disappointed Society founder.

Behold! Justin Timberlake’s Buttcheeks:

Crack kills.

The day I finally saw Justin’s booty was supposed to be incredible. In a scenario that played in my mind over and over, I envisioned Angels with harps performing Beethoven’s 9th Symphony the moment his moon rose. But sadly, plumbers crack does nothing for me.

Where I had imagined finely chiseled alabaster man-buns, I was greeted with a drab, undefined coin slot, that I wouldn’t even stop to put change in. Clearly all this time with his fiancée has caused him to “fight the hot” in his hind quarters.

Justin, I’m disappointed. As the founder of the Timberlake Appreciation Society, I say to you: GET YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN!

Riddle me this: Would Britney have let those buns of steel of yours morph into buns of cinnamon? NO! She’d have you in daily dance-offs that kept it tight and right.

My dearest JT, I know this post has been harsh, but consider it tough love. If you must choose a funless-life with whatsherface, at least keep your buns, hun.

Of course, I’d be doing the world a disservice if I didn’t give one last-ditch plea for you to FLEE…

It’s not too late Justin. You’re not legally bound to her yet. Matter of fact, Britney Spears isn’t married to that other dude either! The two of you are technically still single! Pull a Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate,” hop on a bus, find Brit Brit and BEG HER TO MARRY YOU! There’s STILL TIME!

This really was our Camelot.

Timberlake Appreciation Society Members, while our post included a sad snapshot of JT’s pale, slack rump roast, I have some good news, a light at the end of the tunnel if you will.

Hotcha-cha!

Sunday night Sofia Vergara’s zipper broke, providing the world a sneak peek of her awe-inspiring cheeks.

BITE IT!

HOMINA! HOMINA! HOMINA! Good to know she’s got two sets of GOLDEN GLOBES, HEY-OOOOOOOO!

via The Twist


Comments

The Timberlake Appreciation Society Presents: BUM OUT! — 2 Comments

  1. Undefined coin slot, buns of cinnamon, rump roast, chiseled alabaster man-buns, hind quarters… Please god (and the Timberlake Appreciation Society), grant me the strength to remember all of these lovely terms.

  2. I am still holding out for a JT-Britney reunion. For serious.
    Shit, is Biel boring. Even her sartorial choices. You know that she’d never wear matching denim outfits–because that is love. REAL LOVE.

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