Signs Of The Endtimes: Guy Fieri and Smashmouth Collaborate

Oy Vey.

Do you remember that band from the late 90’s/ Early 00’s, who had the fat “party dude” lead singer? I’m sorry, I’ll be more specific…

‘Memba, Smashmouth?

Liars. Of course you do. I mean who here will ever be able to scour that awful song, “All Star,” out of their gray matter!?

Well, in a move that literally no one on planet earth asked for, Smashmouth has written a cookbook. But that’s not all, they teamed up with CELEBRITY CHEF Guy Fieri to write the dang thing.

For those of you new to our little train wreck of a website, I have no love for TGI McDipsh*t, AKA Guy Fieri.

5 bux sez he lactates Bailey’s.

Homeboy looks like a porcupine did it with porky pig on a bed of lard. But more than that, he’s assaulted America’s television screens with disgusting recipes all delivered via his trademark razor blade and battery acid growl.

Anybros, the book is called…

“Smash Mouth: Recipes from the Road: A Rock ‘n’ Roll Cookbook”
You know what? I just can’t with this sh*t.
For starters…”Rock n Roll Cookbook!?”
Look at Mick Jagger. He’s “Rock n Roll” and the size of a roach’s buttcrack. What I’m trying to say is this: from Iggy Pop to Gregg Allman, rockers DON’T EAT!
Unless the recipes are for, “Jack Daniels Marinated Jack Daniels,” “Cocaine sprinkled Heroin” or “Skanky Groupie Hot Tub Soup,” I refuse to remotely tie the book’s recipes with RAWK.
On the bright side, with the book hitting shelves October 16th, you’ll have an easy gift to give your inappropriate uncle this Christmas. Afterall, he LOVES Fieri just as much as he loves hitting on jailbait and wearing man-rings!
One sideburning question remains: Will there be a chapter devoted to proper “Rockin’ Chef attire?” I’m actually quite curious to read about cultivating the perfect douche-beard and dressing like a 1990’s Bouncer.  
Count me out on this one, Folks.
Oh sure, I’d still pay them a quarter to make out after too many jagerbombs, but that’s just because I’m a sicko who’s a sucker for sword fights fried mozzarella sticks.

The offer stands, boys.

PS:  I’d just like to point out that Smashmouth has a book deal and I don’t. INJUSTICE!



Signs Of The Endtimes: Guy Fieri and Smashmouth Collaborate — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Stories I’m Too Lazy To Write About [9-21-12] « The Twist

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *