Happy Schoolin’ Texas!

Today is the day that MOST Texas schools are BACK IN SESSION.

Parents are weeping, tears of joy and sobs of “Where did the time go!?”

Me? I’m bummed the traffic will be kicking back up, but I’m also filled with glee.

You see, I’ve mentioned time and time again that I’m not a very nice person. The word, “jerk,” comes to mind most often. Simple truth is this, I love seeing miserable youth.

Nothing makes teens more miserable than the first day of school. Summer dreams still hang heavy in blazing August humidity. The lack of being able to sleep until Noon every day, and piles of new schoolwork combine to devastate.

The suburb I hail from is chock-filled of entitled brats. These kids are the overindulged apple of their helicopter parent’s eyes. The little a-holes galavant around town in better cars, clothes, allowances, than any of them deserve.

Oh sure, there are “good kids,” that I have no beef with nor a desire to see miserable, however it all sorts itself out. “Good kids,” are usually excited to return to the endless amount of activities, studying and new friendships that are sure to abound in the school year. But hooligans, spoiled fools, and lazy idiots? They are dead inside this morning. Which puts me on top of the world.

So this beautiful and glorious sweltering morning, while I’m flying around like a hummingbird on laughing gas, I invite YOU to join me in buoyed spirits. Hooray for the smug satisfaction in knowing a bunch of good for nothing teens on this very day, are the furthest they will be from summer 2013.

And just for all you bleary-eyed teachers, hung-over Assistant Principals, and weepy mothers of kindergarteners, I’ve included some HILARIOUS back to school sale-fails.

Better BONE UP for the STDs. Er…SATs

And in the event you choose not to stock up on BACK TO SCHOOL CONDOMS…

Tough subjects? You can HACK it!

Knife to see you!

Plastic severed body parts are essential.

Apparently, this store’s “back to school gift cards” come with a bonus THREE-WAY…

F*ck yeah!

And let’s not forget about our educators…


Happy Texas teen-misery day to all! Sigh, how I wish this feeling and day could last forever. It’s a PERFECT DAY!

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