Douchebag to Marry Douchebag

The couple is registered at Hot Topic

For the Holidays this year, our entire clan is planning on going to the family ranch, just in case that whole December 2012 nonsense has a shred of truth. Just yesterday morning, I was telling Lover Fo’ Life that “The world is not ending in December, I want to spend the holidays in our NEW house instead of hunkered down at the family compound.”

As if on cue, the fates decided to slap me on the butt cheeks and remind us all that the End Times are indeed upon us. It was announced yesterday that Chad Kroeger (Lead Singer of Nickelback) and April Avril Lavigne are engaged to murder the institution of marriage.

No, you’re not still tripping balls from last night’s Ambien and Gin milkshake. Chad and Avril, or “Chavril,” as I will now be calling them, are getting mah-reed!

Who the F*ck knew these two were dating? Think of the lost joke opportunities, all along I could have been writing ha-has about this match made in Massengill!

While I can’t imagine any fate worse than licking on Chad’s tendrils til’ death, I gotta hand it to April Avril, snitch knows money when she sees it.

Look at this photograph… he’s hideous.

Unfortunately, Nickelback is a successful band that has made millions. Tons of drunk bus drivers, slutty cafeteria ladies, aggro rednecks, Canadians, and carnival workers, lurve them some Nickelback. Dirtbags around the globe have lined Mr. Kroeger’s pockets with GOLD. Kudos to you, Ms. Lavigne for working that shovel!

Plenty of money to keep her in the finest tween fashion

While I’m 99% sure that this is a publicity stunt, in the event “Chavril in ’12” happens, the world is ov-ah! Donezo.

Of course, “they say that a hero could save us
I’m not gonna stand here and wait.” (Crowd groans)

Spidey! Wherefore art thou!?! Save humanity! Stop this unholy union!

via The Twist


Comments

Douchebag to Marry Douchebag — 3 Comments

  1. Yo Avril!! Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your boyfriend! In fact I think his band and their music is worthy of shoving shards of broken glass into my ears! Let’s hope this marriage doesn’t result in procreation. And by that I mean, I am praying to all things holy that these two NEVER, EVER do a duet!! Just in case, I will have a pile of broken glass ready…ah, the sweet deafening silence 😀

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