The Freedom Flask, Because This is America

“It’s about time!”

Say there pretty baby, have you ever wished that you could secretly store an entire bottle of booze at crotch level? Well, your hopes and wishes are finally coming true, say hello to the Freedom Flask!


Frat boys, drunk Uncles, the Kennedy Clan, and degenerate alcoholics rejoice!

For a mere $24.95 you can be the proud owner of this modern marvel. The Freedom Flask is super simple to use, all you do is:

Step One: Pour Booze into bag.

Step Two: Strap bag to genitals.

Step Three: Pee into a glass Enjoy.

Because you need the EXTREME laugh on this fine Tues the Extreme day, I urge you to watch the super-quick tutorial on using this triumph of humanity.

I’m gonna be real with you, while I would love to purchase the AMERICAN MADE masterpiece, I think I’ll pass.

Why? because I like to drink my Hooch cold, or at the very least…room temperature. This pouch rests right over your dingling and tingling bits. An old pro like myself has a crotch hotter than the surface of the sun, by the time this piece of finely crafted AMERICAN plastic has sat on my hotbox for a hot minute, the booze will be boiling. No thanks.

I’m sure most of you out there reading this have no problem with hot booze (or watered down iced beverages,) so I say to you: happy junk drinking!

PS: I went to the Freedom Flask website  and was perusing the photos when I came upon this glorious and angelic treasure…

Class holding a flask.

The side-boob, dark brown roots, and come hither to my kid’s soccer game look she’s throwing are all doing something for my Freedom flask-region.



The Freedom Flask, Because This is America — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Pour Some (Fermented) Sugar on Me | grouchymuffin

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