This Makes Me Want a Pair of Crocs

When you’ve given up on ever getting laid again.

I have to go purchase some Crocs.

When I scraped myself from the bedsheets this morning, the last thing in this wretched world I expected was this. But here I am, ready to strap on a pair of the monstrosities.

You see, Crocs co-founder and former CEO of the Fashion murdering footwear company, is a mister from another sister to us all. Like many grouchymuffin readers, homedude is a HOT MESS EXPRESS.

Shakespeare the 2nd

The other evening, 51-year-old stunner, George Boedecker, was arrested for drinking the good stuff and driving. JAYSUS CRIPES, he’s ONLY 51!? Money is supposed to be the great antidote to looking old. Dude needs to pay someone to knock the busted off that mug.

Anyplasticatrocities, George went on a bender and was found passed out behind the wheel of his Porsche with the engine still running. When the Boulder Colorado police roused the rich drunkard, he really aimed for the stars and subsequently won my heart forever.

George told cops that he wasn’t the one driving, it was his “really f*cking famous girlfriend,” Taylor Swift. Yes, THAT Taylor Swift. When the officers asked him where his imaginary lady-love was, he explained “batsh*t crazy” T-Swift ran off after they had an argument.

The fact that he’s rich, drunk and decided to profanely lie on and name check the queen of glitter hearts and unicorns, makes this story hilarious. However, when you factor the crazy azzed crap that spouted from his Scotch hole, well…you too will fall in love with him forever.

Here are just some of his gems:

George refused a field sobriety test telling the cops: “I’m not doing your f*cking maneuvers.”

When the officers asked for his address, he replied “I have 17 f*cking homes.”

Once Boedecker realized he was being arrested he screamed that he “couldn’t believe they were doing this after all he had done for this city.” He then told the arresting officers that they made an “enemy for life” and finished with, “Go f*ck yourselves in the ass.”

Rusted looks, tons of money, rivers of booze and a mouth like a sailor!? I’m into it, baby.

Where I once thought Boedecker, was right up there in the pantheon of criminals against humanity (he invented Crocs, after all.)  I now see this beautiful wordsmith for the entitled, loaded, lying imaginative genius that he is.

George Boedecker, leave Taylor Swift to writing break-up anthems for dumped cat ladies everywhere, she’s not woman enough for you.

Gurl, please!

If you want a non-imaginary “batsh*t crazy” hussy who will corroborate all of your drunken alibis, look no further.

Answer me this: Has Taylor Swift ever taken out her neighbor’s mailbox at 2:00am in the morning clad only in a see-through nightie and the stench of Dewar’s? Nope. It takes real drunk-chops to pull that kind of nonsense off.

I’m your girl, Georgie. Let’s DO THIS!



This Makes Me Want a Pair of Crocs — 2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Taking Advice From The Founder Of Crocs: When In Doubt, Blame Taylor Swift « The Twist

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