Truth.

Denny’s is building a flagship restaurant in the Las Vegas mall NEONOPOLIS! For those of you not familiar with the pantheon of class and distinction that is the Las Vegas eyesore attraction, let me fill you in…Neonopolis is a money-wasting journey into tourism’s underbelly.

Where dreams go to die.

And soon, there will be a big ol’ awesome Denny’s at Neonopolis, but that’s not all, the LAS VEGAS DENNY’S WILL ALSO MARRY YOU!

Here comes the side (order of grits.)

True Story: Lover Fo’ Life and yours truly were married in Vegas. The line outside of the courthouse was outrageous and we were justbarely married at 11:26pm on September 17, 2004.

Did I mention that we were hitched in the very chapel Britney Spears married her first husband for 55 hours? <—The whole reason I chose the specific weddin’ place!

We were married by the oldest living preacherwoman in the world. She sounded like the turtle in The Neverending Story and kept making jokes about Billy Graham tent revivals in Texas. I didn’t have the heart to tell “Methuselah 2″ that Billy Graham hadn’t done a tent revival since the last century. I just fake laughed along with her.

See, while I’m a horrid person inside, I have a soft-spot for old folks. I will awkwardly laugh at their jokes, entertain their bizarre theories, and smile vacantly through their farts, respecting my elders is just something I’ve always done.

As a living mummy performed the ceremony that made us man and wife, I couldn’t help but notice the massive eye-crust booger she was rocking. The crusted boogey was the size of an english pea, as I pledged my eternal love for L4L, all I could think about was plucking that eye debris. After we hastily delivered our “I Do’s,” Lover fo’ Life and I were whisked off into a stale limousine. The first thing the future father of Angry Baby said to me as my spouse was: ”Dude, did you see the creepy long pinky fingernail the minister had!?” to which I replied, “YES! Did you check out the eye-meteor she was sporting!?”

We followed our blissful nuptials with a dinner at a dive restaurant in the Golden Nugget, it was the only place we could find open at 1:00am.

Luckily, the very weekend we got hitched, there happened to be a HUGE biker convention(!) while we ate our first meal as husband and wife, we were treated to a floor show involving two drunk, affectionate, obese bikers. As the couple clad in leather and bad decisions began their mating ritual RIGHT ON THE TABLE NEXT TO US, we toasted our new marriage and laughed at our good fortune.

To say our wedding ceremony/reception would have been upgraded by a surly waitress minister and an order of “Moons over My-Hammy,” would be an understatement. (Real Talk: L4L and I wouldn’t change a thing, it was perfection!)

Sluts, golddiggers, degenerate gamblers, drunk and hongray fools, lovers, lonely schoolteachers, book your reservations NOW! Sure this neon abortion special Denny’s isn’t opened yet, but by the time they are flapping jacks, you’ll want your flapjacks first in line to say, “I DO!”

Hooray for Romance, Happily ever-after, and getting married at Denny’s!

More importantly, BRING ME ADDITIONAL SYRUP, PHYLLIS!

You want eternal wedded bliss with that?

And to think that some people worry the gays will tear the sanctified fabric of marriage, apart!

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