Do not want.
Which one of you did it? I’m not mad, I just need whoever it is to come clean.
Somebody on this big blue marble secretly wished for a big screen adaptation of, “ALF.”
Y’all remember ALF don’t you? What’s that? Your parents didn’t allow you to rot your mind on late 1980′s sh*t-coms?
ALF was a primetime show, on NBC. The plot involved a big-nosed puppet alien named Gordon Schumway who came all the way from planet Melmac to live with the very normal Tanner family. ALF loved to eat house cats, had a constant fear of being discovered by the government and was forced to hide out in suburbia indefinitely.
ALF pictured rockin’ the Kanye over 20 years ago.
Why was the show green-lit in the first place? Because all Television executives were snorting cocaine back in the day, nah I’m just kiddin! It’s because the eighties were a strange time, crap like this worked. Believe it or not, ALF was a hit and lasted for a few seasons.
In a move that further proves we just might be living in the End Times, it was announced today that they are making a big screen version of the long-cancelled series. They will be placing ALF with a new family for the animated/live action flick. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
Look, I’m not gonna lie, as a kid I had crap taste and I loved that show, but this is an outrage. How dare they force us to once again endure the groaning jokes spit out by an Alien Life Form, yet rob the world of seeing a grown up Lynn Tanner, aka the show’s foxy Teen daughter and 80′s fashion plate played by Andrea Elson.
I want her on the silver screen!
Sad That I know this but true: ALF would utter a catchphrase after every hammy, attention whoring stunt he’d pull. His phrase was, “Ha ha, I kill me!” Today, after reading about the plans for this cinematic plop in the toilet bowl of Hollywood, I urge the screenwriters toiling away on this corn-encrusted turd, re-write ALF’s famous line to simply, “Ha ha, I kill me!”
On the bright side? The ALF Movie has to be the end of the 80′s nostalgia on the big screen trend. Has to. I mean, there’s no more desperate splinter from the bottom of the ideas barrel than Gordon Schumway in the cinemas.
Coincidentally, I just read an article criticizing ALF for being a Jewish stereotype, which is shockingly relevant/accurate/whatever if you look at it as not an eight-year-old kid. Andrea Elson drove my kid pants CRAZY!
WOWZA! I was going to go off on a mini-rant about the anti-semitic undertones of ALF’s character, but I thought I was just being hyper-sensitive!