Used car dealer, George Cascone is my hero.
In addition to being a stone-cold silver fox, George knows his worth. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Back in 2010, the Kansas City man’s ex-wife hired a hitman to murder him. Dorothy Cascone offered to pay her then-boyfriend a measly 2 grand to do away with George. Well, as the saying goes, “you get what you pay for” because the budget hitman, turned her into the cops. Chinsy McSkinflint was found guilty of soliciting a murder and sentenced to 5 years in the chokey.
Now that you’re up to speed, here come the ha-has.
Back at the time of the crime George was interviewed about his bargain basement assassination attempt. Seems
Santa Claus Mr. Cascone was insulted that his silver scalp wasn’t going for more. Pepaw was furious that his ex was so f*cking cheap.
Thankfully, the internets have allowed this riveting 2010 clip of George’s disgust to surface. Please enjoy the creepiest/funniest/strangest thing you’ll see all day.
WARNING: He will seduce you with that whiskey marinated in battery acid growl of his. If Zeus were still alive, he’d have the same voice.
As you can see, George Cascone’s a Used Car Dealer by trade, but a comedic genius by destiny. Homeboy brings the jokes! From the used car business shout-out at the beginning to his deadpanned delivery about the minimum it should cost to murder him, it was all laughs. Sure, his sense of humor is bone-dry, but give this man his own show on BBC America and it would run for 10 seasons!
Best line in the whole mess? “2 grand is not enough to get that kind of work done right.” I’m so glad that in addition to hawking old Cutlass Supremes, obese Papa Smurf is an expert in the murder-for-hire economy. He’s like a dirtbag Alan Greenspan.
One thing troubles me in this entire low-ball, whack job saga(getyourmindoutofthegutter,) It’s the ex-wife, Dorothy Cascone.
Look at this exquisite flower:
How could George Cascone have let this beautiful treasure slip through his sweaty fingers!? These two were clearly a match made in meth/drunk heaven!
Dorothy and George: Why not give love another shot? You see, a lot of passion goes into ordering the murder of someone, she’s obviously never gotten over him! And since Dorothy is so white-hot gorgeous, I know George is open to once again allowing her to nest in his beard of platinum gossamer (and leftover food particles.)
Mr. Cascone, you are an inspiration to us all. You’ve cheated death and shimmied up to the dive-bar that is my heart. Your
murder for hire life is worth the ten grand you listed as the minimum cost to kill you, by ten fold.
So to all my fellow hos, skanks, sluts, party boys and gals out there, or as I like to call y’all: “my readers,”take a lesson from frosty bear, know the worth of your ho-stroll, baby.