You Meet the Nicest People at Wal-Mart

Every one of you reading this need to step up your swagger. Because NONE of you sluts have the SOLID GOLD GAME of Langley South Carolina’s very own Joey William Leaphart.

“America, America, this is you.”

Maybe it’s just the 12-year-old in me, but does anyone else notice the man has the word “phart” in his name?

Anyfarts, this precious specimen was arrested in the Wal-Mart for conning an 18-year-old  into allowing him to suck her toes. No, you’re not still drunk from last night, you read that correctly. Homeboy is a pedi-perv, big time.

Mr. Leaphart approached a young Wal-Mart shopper and asked if her toenails were painted. When she answered yes, he proceeded to spit out the greatest lie in the history of skeezy pervo pick up lines, and trust me I would know…

He asked her if she watched America’s Funniest Home Videos, explained he was with the show, and if she allowed him to take a photo of her bare foot, he would pay for everything she wanted that day at Wal-Mart.

Because girlfriend knows a good deal when she hears it, the woman begrudgingly agreed and followed him to a secluded aisle in the clothing section.

Leaphart dropped to the floor, grabbed the victim’s ankle, said “Don’t worry, baby, I don’t bite,” then shoved her big toe into his mouth. The shopper screamed and Phart fled, the County Sheriff’s department announced they would not be pressing charges because the woman consented to the foot shenanigans. Um, no…she agreed to let a dude who worked for America’s Funniest Home Videos take a photo of her foot, he then proceeded to suck on her prime piggy against her will. Injustice.

The jerk is ALSO guilty of stealing from Bob Saget as everyone knows, bragging about working for America’s Funniest Home Videos in order to lure women into filthy acts is SAGET’S Move.

It’s ok though, Pharts is pretty much sentenced to life behind internet humiliation bars, because let’s face it, rogue toe sucking is wrong and gross NOBODY WATCHES AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS ANYMORE. Matter of fact, I had to GOOGLE the stupid show to see if it was even still on, the 23rd season premieres this fall. My mind is blown, America’s Funniest Home Videos is still on. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.

As I was saying, though he’ll see no charges for this Wal-Mart forced toe-job, I have just the punishment for Joey William Leaphart, I’ll make him suck my big toe.

Real Talk: I haven’t had a pedicure since winter and I’ve spent all summer on my patio and in my pool, barefoot. The level of busted your feet look after months of Coolcrete/salt water exposure, is exquisite. My toenails while technically painted, look like they were lacquered in the late 1800’s.

Don’t even get me started on the smell my feet put off when they are confined to footwear other than a flip-flop. Suffice to say, I’m a super-duper foot sweater. My feet have been known to smell like a corn chip making out with a corpse.

Forcing this sleaze to suck my hideous cloven-hooves will be a pleasure. Matter of fact, it’s my civic duty. That’s it, I’m going to book a trip to South Carolina right now. I’ll stakeout the scene of the crime, use myself as bait, and CATCH THAT PREDATOR!

I know just the song to blast from my phone when I visit his fair city’s Wal-Mart, it’s sure to lure him in…


And now the joke I tried to keep chained down, but simply couldn’t resist putting in the post…

As far as this man’s concerned, there’s no such thing as “getting off on the wrong foot.” (crowd groans)


PS: All you AFHV fans out there, don’t get your Tom Bergeron’s in a twist, I knew the show was still on in syndication, I just thought all the current shows were old re-runs from 10 years ago.

It’s true.


You Meet the Nicest People at Wal-Mart — 2 Comments

  1. I needed the laughs you, and let’s not forget Mr. Phart, provided in this post!! I am sure the lady down the hall from my office thought, “I wonder what non-occupational internet jazz Misty is laughing hysterically at this time?”, as she shook her head. This was sooo funny…hahaha!

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