I have been best frienemies with my arch-nemesis Mark, since 1999. We met in Mythology class and bonded over a shared disdain for the dipsh*ts sharing said class with us, and a mutual love for the made for television movie, “The Karen Carpenter Story.”
Friday night, while watching the Olympics opening ceremony I shot out a simple, yet snippy Facebook status update, “I’m going to need this Opening Ceremony to get better.”
The status instantly struck a chord, and several people chimed in, agreeing with my sentiment. Mark, piped up with: “I’d pay a plug nickel to hear the Crib Keeper’s thoughts on the London Opening Ceremonies.”
Mark’s a solid gold sh*t-starter and knows how to get the grouchymuffin reader base in an uproar, so to those of you who have a huge raging boner for the 2012 London Games Opening Ceremony, stop reading this post right now.
I’m serious. I don’t want your hatemail.
The London Games Opening Ceremony (Alternate Title: Make it Stop)
Danny Boyle made the film, “Slumdog Millionaire,” however as of Friday, he became the man who stole 5 hours of my life. I’m considering pressing charges. You see, Danny Boyle, directed and headed the London’s Olympic Opening.
Of course, it’s my own fault for watching a sporting event on television. But that won’t stop me from going ahead and pointing out the gallery of horrors Mr. Boyle unleashed on the world.
1. Kenneth Branagh
Kenneth was dressed as mutton-chopped Isambard Kingdom Brunel. Don’t know who he is? Ol’ Izzy was a civil engineer who pretty much designed modern-day London. I myself, thought he was dressed as Charles Dickens, and many of my dumb fellow Americans thought ho was dressed up as ABE LINCOLN. <—I just can’t.
I’ve got to hand it to Kenny Boy, if they gave awards for looking smug and being entirely consumed with themselves, he would get a lifetime achievement statue. Branagh’s self-important narration of the whole first half of the ceremony was not only boring, it was also tedious.
2. All the Steampunk
OK London, you invented Steampunk, we get it. The 45 minutes devoted to the industrial revolution, complete with sets and costumes that made hipsters around the globe pine for a sootier time, was overkill.
One bright spot: When all the sweaty mens pounded out the steel. The pyrotechnics used made for a jaw-dropping molten metal forging effect, loved it.
3. The Bum Out Cabaret
Look, I’m all about bringing awareness to Charity, especially when the charity helps sick kids. But the dancing sick kid/bed chorus line was a total mellow harsher, right down to the giant sick baby.
4. These Sluts.
Yes, I know these hookers are supposed to be Mary Poppins, but where was Chimney Sweep Bert!? Everyone knows that drunk fool was the REAL hero of the whole story.
5. The sad azzed Voldemort balloon.
Because approximately 30 minutes of the 5.5 hour ordeal was pretty awesome, I’ve included the highlights as well. Here’s the VERY SHORT list of things I enjoyed…
Like#1: ROWAN ATKINSON as Mr. Bean
This man is a comedy treasure trove. Not only was he hilarious as always, Mr. Bean embodied up the boredom we all felt.
Like #2: The Olympic Cauldron is Baller
Like #3: Paul McCartney (AKA The entire reason I wasted my Friday Night watching this hot mess express.)
I could have watched Paul and the rest of England’s living musical legends, for the entire night. England, you are home to the greatest rock and roll, period. Your damp streets and well-worn pubs gave us: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, David Bowie, Queen and Pink Floyd, JUST TO NAME A FEW, the show soundtrack should have been a no-brainer. That being said, the fact that they played Floyd’s Eclipse for the Grand Finale Fireworks, pretty much ruled on every possible level. What a great song.
The nonsense casserole that was the London Opening Ceremony was long-winded and boring as hail for most parts, but Danny Boyle and his cast of British players pulled it out of the fire and were able to give the world a few awesome moments. Truth be told, they were f*cked from the beginning, because the 2008 Beijing Opening Ceremony was incredible and will NEVER be topped.