Uncle Fester almost made me spit out my Yoo-Hoo with his winning caption in last week’s caption this contest. His prize, as it is for every winner each week, was a post on request. The topic Fester gave me was simple and clear enough…
“I’d like to hear about your favorite Disney Theme Park Attraction.”
As a Disney Dork and Theme Park enthusiast, this topic will be a cinch, here goes!
My love for the plastic, cooperate perfection that is Walt Disney World has already been well-established on this clap-trap hobo parlor of a website, but I have yet to go into any real detail. All of that changes right here, today with this very post.
Lover Fo’ Life is not a Disney fan. He doesn’t even like the rides, he calls them all “rolling shows.” For L4L,Disney World is just a really big Six Flags but more expensive and without the thrill rides. Because love conquers everything and all that crap, I’m willing to overlook this major flaw in his character. Luckily, Lover Fo’ Life enjoys seeing me happy above his dislike for the destination.
When we visit the resort, he is a good sport and actually manages to have a good time. Matter of fact, he developed a game that we play the entire time we’re on vacation. Which brings me to my favorite Attraction at Disney, it isn’t a show, ride, restaurant, activity, gift shop or even my beloved Haunted Mansion (which I love with all of my tiny heart, BTW!)
Both my and L4L’s Favorite Disney Attraction is: observing child meltdowns.
Each day at any given moment on the perfectly manicured lawns and sets of Walt Disney World there are hot, sweaty, tired children. The first twinges of misery show their signs about 10:00am ET, when the morning Florida steam is still thick and the sun looms above like a cruel torturer. Inevitably, some kid cracks and it becomes a race to find the next great meltdown.
We call it the “Miserable Kid Count.”
How it works, L4L have the same conversation on the way to one of the four WDW parks in the morning…
“How many miserable kid meltdowns you think we’ll see today?”
At at least 10.
See, I think we’ll see more than that, I guess time will tell.
After a full day of hoofin’, hiking, riding, laughing and hawkin’ for bratty behavior, at some point we call the day of fun and head out.
Each day on our way back to the hotel we revisit our early morning estimates and repeat it all again the next day.
Look, I never told you people I was a nice person. Matter of fact, I’m pretty upfront about being a jerk. Do I feel guilty for looking at parents struggle with ill-behaved offspring in the blistering, wet, Sauna-like heat of the florida swamp? Not at all…you see, the universe is already in the process of biting me in the butt for my ghoulish delight at public Disney World tantrums. You see, the last time I visited the Family resort destination, I was not the mother of Angry Baby.
It doesn’t take Stephen Hawking to know that when we finally take Angry Baby on her first Disney World trip in a few years, she’s going to unleash an unholy bucket of meltdowns all over the parks. It’s just the way the world works.
See, if I’ve learned anything from procreation it’s that I’m getting paid back for every dastardly deed I’ve done. My comeuppance for hawking horrid behaving is on its way.
So in the spirit of my favorite Disney Attraction, I’ve decided to share L4L’s and my ALL-TIME FAVORITE Disney Meltdown ever!
It was about 11:30 in the Magic Kingdom that blazing day in June. Out of necessity, we happened to be in the Fantasyland Section, we were working our way through to the Haunted Mansion, (Disney’s GREATEST RIDE EVAH!) When a whining child finally broke her mother’s patience.
Yes you read that correctly, our favorite “Miserable Kid Count Meltdown,” isn’t a child at all. It’s a mother of a toddler, a child no more than 3.5 at the time, I could tell he kid had cornered her last nerve by the fact she seemed to be muttering to herself while he incessantly whined about a stupid frozen lemonade.
“Mom-eeeeeeeeeee Pleeeeeeeeeease!” He whined.
And then, she snapped and hissed…
“JUST BE GRATEFUL YOU’RE HERE! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS F*CKING PLACE COSTS!?”
Oh Disney World, how I miss your WONDERFUL ATTRACTIONS, specifically my beloved Haunted Mansion, and of course…the miserable kid count. I shall return to you soon my love, until then I suggest you invest in souvenir ear-plugs, your future patrons will be needing them upon Angry Baby’s arrival in a coupla years.