You know how for years your health-nut Aunt has been insisting that dark chocolate is actually good for you in moderation? You just thought she was trying to snooker you into going on a fitness jag. Turns out, the skinny old hag was right all along!
The European Safe Food Authority has approved Europe’s biggest chocolate manufacturer, Barry Callebaut AG’s request to advertise that dark chocolate’s cocoa flavanols can be good for health, more specifically, blood circulation. The company claims that just .35 of an ounce is all it takes of their flavonoid-rich dark chocolate bar, to give your blood a boost. The European FDA double-checked the math and co-signed the claim.
Chocolate as a health supplement!?
In my wildest Willy Wonka wearing an edible chocolate thong fantasies, I never dreamt I’d live to see such a triumph. I don’t know about you tricks out there, but thanks to this ruling, I’m well on my way to being HEALTHY!
Up next, I’m gonna need the European Safe Food Authority to approve: grain alcohol, donuts, squeeze cheese, deep-fried pickles, beer, pina coladas, watching reality television, wearing red lipstick, laughing when people fall, canned meats and buttercream frosting, then I’ll be a regular wellness guru.
Until that point, I’ll just triple down on the chocolate. It’s a health supplement in Europe, after all!
The European divisions of Nestle and Kraft are said to be following suit with a health-approved chocolate bar.
Speaking of Nestle…
Did you know that the chocolate conglomerate makes a chocolate cereal called, “Fitness.” Here’s a picture of that mess.
W-H-Y is this not sold in America? I can’t think of a country more deserving of a chocolate breakfast cereal. Nestle, you’re gonna have to step up your “Fitness” game.
Fingers crossed those party-killing old queens at the Federal Food and Drug Administration follow suit and slap an official healthy label on chocolate. My guess is they won’t. They never let us have any fun. Stupid jerks.