I wish I had a more positive note to begin this Tues-the-Extreme Day on. Afterall, today is the day of the week we devote to doing things in the extreme! As our patron saint, Vanilla Ice would say, what I’ve got to talk to you about this morning is “too cold, too cold.”
One of my character faults or assets, depending who you are, is my love of the evil conglomerate that is the Walt Disney Corporation. The corrupting of young talent (Britney and Demi), the white-washing of folklore, the over-merchandising, all of it makes my budding supervillain black heart sing. I also enjoy the manufactured sterility of the Disney theme parks, and look forward to the day Angry Baby is old enough to stomp through the hordes of lumbering, sweaty, tourists all in the quest for a $25.00 Turkey Leg.
But perhaps the most steadfast of my Disney loves is my obsession with their Villains. I remember being a toddler in the theatre watching a re-release of Sleeping Beauty, screaming in terror when Maleficent met her untimely demise. Since toddlerhood, I’ve amassed quite a collection of Disney Villain merchandise. Matter of Fact, my diaper cake at Angry Baby’s Baby shower was Disney Villain themed.
That’s why when I heard Disney was coming out with a line of Designer Villainess Dolls, I was intrigued…until I saw them, that is.
Available in Disney stores and online starting in September, these babies will set you back 80 bux a pop.
The Evil Queen from Snow White needs to tuck in her lash game, because she looks like she’s going to trip over those things.
Why in the spotted dog hail is Cruella DeVil rocking a bubble cut from the local cut and curl? Cruella is CRAZY, she deserves a flowing mane of insane that depicts her lack of marbles.
This one, I like…
Maleficent looks hot, not gonna lie, I’d hit it. The tulle, the leather and the hair horns, it’s all doing something for me. Of course, my excitement over the green-skinned Goddess was to be short-lived.
Because then I got a look at the Queen of Hearts Doll.
Total f*ckery. Who in the crap is she trying to be, a Harajuku girl? Girlfriend, you aren’t fooling anyone with those Geisha Girl lips and tiny hips. The Queen of Hearts is a wide and snide snitch with a penchant for beheading. Give this starving slut some “Eat me” cakes, STAT.
Finally, because I wanted to enrage you and send y’all out into the world FURIOUS, I have chosen the most awful of the dolls for last. I present to you the most offensive thing Disney is responsible for since Miley Cyrus.
Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot.
This is supposed to be Ursula the Sea Witch, but instead b*tch is rail thin and looks like a New York Socialite’s evil Memaw. Can’t you just picture this trick withholding inheritances while talking about summering in the Hamptons?
Ursula is LARGE AND IN CHARGE.
Sure, she eats her feelings, but we like her that way. See, the body image issues Ursula harbors turn to pure, unadulterated cruelty and evil when she comes in contact with skinny hos like Ariel. Make Ursula pin-thin and her magic disappears.
Look Disney, I’ve sat back and shelled out thousands to your world conquering campaign of evil, but I can’t abide by this.
I need my Ursula fat. Unless she resembles the ample-bottomed cousin of Paula Deen, I’m not interested.
Ursula is larger than life, not spindly and withered and most certainly no busted Marie Antoinette toothpick-lookin fool.
DISNEY- Fire up the sweatshops and get those nimble children’s fingers working on a new, FATTER Designer Ursula the Sea Witch doll, There’s still time!
via our friends at the Twist