Let ‘em rip!
Welcome to the future, my beautiful babies!
The geniuses at Flat-D have brought an incredible product to market, something so glorious and life-changing, I’m weeping tears of pure joy as I type this.
Say hello to the Flat-D flatulence pads.
It’s like a maxi pad for your butt cheeks. The pad is composed of highly activated charcoal that neutralizes the smell before the offending fart stench is able to waft up anyone’s nostrils. You can buy the reusable pads here.
As they say on television infomercials: “BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!”
Because I’m a real life rumble seat who lurves to F-A-R-T, I decided to delve more into the manufacturing company and see what other toot tools I could purchase from them. Take a look at all the other stench-murdering miracles they have developed!
The Smell Cancelling Chair Pad
Go GURL!
Real Talk: When I saw this, I thought they somehow knew my former co-worker Troy, he was a world-class farter. Troy would pass rancid gas right at his desk. Somedays, I had to keep a candle burning because GUESS WHO just happened to have her cubical right by tuff tootin’ Troy!? Me y’all! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If only this had existed back then. I could have surreptitiously slipped one of these under his fart factory and maybe, just maybe, my eyes would have stopped watering every time he ate broccoli.
Fun Fact: This model just died of embarrassment.
With the exception of having the name: GAS SACK, and looking like a goth kindergartener’s sleeping bag, this product is a miracle.
How does it work? Thunderbuns gets in special charcoal-lined bag that traps and neutralizes the nocturnal emissions from Uranus. I’m not kidding, here’s the wonder of science in living action…
Hear that?
It’s the sound of Lover Fo’ Life intently watching the above video and now yelling, “I WILL ORDER ONE RIGHT NOOOW!” Sadly, he is often the victim of my overnight sneak gas attacks. Many a night, I rip ‘em off under the bedcovers, where they remain trapped, just waiting for L4L to get a nostril full of horror when he adjusts his sheets.
See, as the great and powerful Maddox, so eloquently pointed out almost a decade ago, lady farts are the worst.
When we first were married, L4L and I read his post about the subject and came upon this masterpiece…
Old Man Wielding broccoli
All these years later, every time I let a really smelly one go, he yells: “ARGH!!!!!!!!!! OLD MAN WIELDING BROCCOLI!!!” referencing that post and cartoon we first guffawed at so many years ago.
And now, we have fart smell cancelling technology. What a time to be alive, people.
Ladies and gentlemen, start your engines!
Yeah, but does it silence the sound too?