I’ve been a proud ebayer since 2001. In my eleven years trolling the site for stuff I don’t need, I’ve been witness to every nook and eBay cranny. For example, my favorite category is called, “Weird Stuff.”
In this subset of the “Everything Else” section of eBay, one could find many things, from bubble gum that was once chewed by Britney Spears, to an antique ring the seller claimed would curse all who wore it. Needless to say, I used to troll the “Weird Stuff” section for hours on end.
Then somewhere in the mid- 00’s , my beloved section became the landing pad for now infamous auctions such as the grilled cheese with the Virgin Mary emblazoned on it. After a series of stupid “food that looks like religious figures” auctions, I grew bored and quietly did away with my freak peeking. Sure, I still venture to eBay, but merely for my steady habit of purchasing whatever obscure items I feel the need to own.
Thankfully, reader Knotty By Nature won our last caption this contest and requested that I revisit this topic…
“I want to hear your take on some of the bizarre things for sale on eBay.”
My pleasure Knotty! Quite frankly, I could devote an entire blog to the creep-tastic and WTF f*ckery for sale on eBay! The following are actual auctions right now on in the Ebay Marketplace, I promise.
(on SALE now for only 79 bux!)
Let’s say your Pewpaw loved to fish. but hated spending time with humans. What better way to honor him than by stuffing a small portion of his remains into a fish-shaped, wearable urn. By carrying the man who couldn’t care less around, you’ll be torturing him from beyond the grave. Hooray for revenge!
From the seller:
“This could be a good wallhanger (has a piece of metal on top)or even a neat spoon holder for your stove. Ive never seen another one like this and the possibilities are endless. Feel free to email with any questions.”
You’re selling a flattened used beer bottle, essentially garbage, for TEN dollars. Thanks, but I’m pretty sure we won’t have any questions.
SPECIAL CRIB KEEPER OFFER: for FIVE dollars, I’ll take one of the many discarded beer bottles currently in my garbage can and chuck it at your nuts. That’s 50% off!
Speaking of Nuts…
These aren’t noodles or delicious mushrooms you’re looking at, this auction is for 100 JUMBO Raccoon Penises.
From the description:
“They make good stir sticks (great conversation piece at the bar) and great novelty gifts. Just Imagine the looks on your friends faces when they open up your gift!!!”
1. Raccoon Wangs = Ew.
2. Unless your auction audience is Papa Smurf and his Village, stop calling them “jumbo.”
3. STIR STICKS FOR DRINKS!? Don’t you mean “d*ck sticks?” (HEY-OOOOOO!)
4. “Just Imagine the looks on your friends faces when they open up your gift!!!” If you are my friend and you give me this gift, I’m going to shove the gifted raccoon peen down YOUR throat.
While we’re on the subject of peens…
Here’s a naturally formed c*ck, er…rock
This beauty was dickscovered in Missouri’s Huzzah Creek. Coincidentally, I yelled “HUZZAH!” when I saw the exquisite piece of earth.
The seller wants $1000.00 for it, at first I balked at the price, but like all good pieces…the rock’s good looks have won me over. A grand is a BARGAIN for this natural wonder. Mother Nature- YOU’S A KINKY SKANK!
Fans of the CBS Show, Big Brother will instantly recognize this onion ring anomaly. What this nitwit seller doesn’t understand is that the “no-sign” onion ring occurence isn’t that freakish or special. Real Talk: I had one of these once and dipped it in ketchup and ate the thing. No one wants to buy your cold, non-special deep-fried vegetable.
Um, if by “unique” you mean “millions sold.”
Every kid in the 80’s coveted these see-through telephones. For kids of every decade past the 80’s: A telephone is a device we used to use before cell phones. They plugged into the wall and had cords that kept you chained to the immediate vicinity while you used it. <—Free history lesson
Juggs are made to be nuzzled, suckled, ogled and even motorboated. But they should never, REPEAT NEVER, be stood on.
Besides, those things look nothing like breasts. If you ever come across a human set that resemble any of those on this mat, I want you to stop whatever it is you are doing and moonwalk the hail out of the situation.
Rounding out the carnival of inappropriate auctions, I’ve got a real humdinger…
Just for grins, I decided to type in the eBay search term “Haunted.” There are over 8,500 items for sale on eBay at this very moment that claim to be possessed by a departed or otherworldly spirit. Amongst those items, I found my grand finale…you’re going to have to click and read the auction description to see why. (If your office has eBay blocked, check the link out on your phone during your next bathroom visit.)
eBay, I promise to always visit you. Not only when I want to purchase used luxury goods that I’m too cheap to buy brand new, or when I find myself expanding my ever-expanding collection of collections, I promise to also mindlessly surf you for hours of endless amusement, horror, disgust, and humor. eBay is not just an auction site my beloved readers, eBay is a one-stop entertainment portal for freakshows like me.
PS: I’m Soooo bidding on THIS!