Bacon has left a permanent grease window on the soul of the American identity. Several years ago, bacon became pop culture’s go to mana, and it’s been clogging up my life ever since. See, while I enjoy bacon for what it is: delicious meat candy, I’m sick to death of all the bacon hysteria. For years I’ve pleaded for you bacon nitwits to silence your blubbering about the stuff and just enjoy eating it in massive amounts like most of us out there.
But the world refused to listen. There is now: Bacon-flavored mayonnaise, bacon scented air fresheners, gummy candies shaped and flavored like the very meat candy they are emulating, and even bacon coffins.
We get it, y’all. Bacon is delicious, so what?
Never one to willingly admit defeat, for years I assured myself and all who would listen, that “the bacon craze is on its way out.” Guess what? Bacon hysteria if anything, has gotten more hysterical.
So I’ve decided to give up trying to stop you maroons from goo-gooing about my beloved meat candy. I’m ending my SHUT UP ABOUT BACON personal crusade.
Quite frankly, I’m sick of smacking my gums, uttering “GEEEEEEEEZ” in an exasperated tone and having my eyes roll every time a bacon nitwit begins pretending to climax over the taste of the stuff. You win.
I guess the final bacon flavored nail in the bacon shaped coffin was Burger Kings roll out of the BRAND NEW(!) Bacon Sundae(!)
YAY Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <—- Sarcasm
Available nationwide as of today, the BK Bacon Sundae is a 510 calorie abomination against man. Bacon worshipers: visit your local Burger King (who still goes there!?) and belly up to the diabetes buffet that is the this new sundae.
Oh, and while you’re at BK french kissing your lover, bacon? Know that even though I’m retiring my crusade, I will silently be throwing all you snitches shade.
I. Quit. This. B*tch.
Bacon Lover Hater#1 AKA Former Crusader against the worship of Bacon, even though it is delicious.