Say there baby, you look stressed. Looks like you’ve had a real turd sandwich of a Monday, even though it is a special Moustache Monday.
Let me fix that.
RAWR!
Say hello to Chris, he would like to rub your entire body with coconut oil.
Shhhhh! It’s not like that baby- he just wants to soothe you with his healing, supple, palms. Matter of fact, I want you to imagine a coconut greased Chris lubing away the stress from your tense muscles. Mmmmm…can you feel his imaginary firm grip on your varied parts?
After he happily completes your tension massage, Chris will dry every square inch of your being with his ratty ‘stache. I want you to picture this slice of handsome dragging his sparsely haired upper lip across your skin.
Feel better? Why, I’ll bet you forgot all about the day’s previous crap buffet! Nothing but smooth sailing for the rest of the evening, you + visions of Chris and his dirtball facial hair.
Oh and one last thing…
That is an actual photo of a teenaged Criss Angel. THE Criss Angel. As in the world’s most douchiest magician. Which by the way is quite a feat, because 75% of magicians are raging douchebags. Unless your name is: Houdini, Blackstone, Penn & Teller or GOB Bluth, chances are I hate your guts.
The costumes, busted looking assistants that are supposed to be sexy, huge build ups for not great tricks, magician beards, I despise it all.
How does he keep getting pussy to hang on him?
I just threw up in my mouth a little.
The worst part is that I bought a new pillow yesterday. It is made to smell like coconut. Guess what I am going to have stuck in my head as I try to go to sleep tonight?
Next time this nut sack is on the TV, I’m probably going to begin screaming about needing an adult.
Hahahaha! Whoops, my bad…guess I was “Bein AN azz!”
You and your clever tie-ins.
So the moral of the story is this: Ain’t no eyeliner, man jewelry, or hair paste gonna hide yo’ douchyness. Pardon the double negatives, I get a little George Jefferson when I’m pissy.
It’s the douche-eyes, they are an instant tell.
What a coincidence, I get a little Wheezy Jefferson when I climb multiple flights of stairs.