Perfect Illustration of Parenthood.
Kids Are Expensive
I wish I could blow your mind. I don’t feel that I will. Kids are expensive. Very, very expensive. For those with, you know. For those who don’t, you only assume.
And it’s not like any of those with were under any delusion that children were not bank account succubae. We are smart. We knew.
There is one thing we didn’t know or I didn’t know. At the very moment when it appears that one cost may lessen or perhaps disappear, the cash is magically sucked into some other gosh darn “activity.”
Kids love activities. Kids love making their beds into bunk beds to make room for more activities. No parent denies an activity unless you’re a total monster. Activities, in theory, build a skill. Maybe it’s learning to swim. Maybe it’s playing soccer, getting exercise and making friends. They build character, muscles, social skills and maybe – JUST MAYBE!! – they find something that 18 years later you say, “Heck. Remember 18 years ago when we started {Insert Activity Here]? That was a swell decision.”
At that moment, you don’t think about the thousands and thousands of dollars spent on crap. It starts with essentials. The crib, breast pump, bottles, swing and onesies. You have to buy special food as you pine for the day when the kid can cram a pork chop down their tender gullets.
They graduate. The pork chop-eatin’ rugrat enters a stage where they wear the same clothes for at least three months at a time. Maybe the daycare goes down $10 (evil daycare trick: Every time our kid’s daycare went down, they oddly bumped the baseline price. So our daycare never really went up or down).
You get to a spot where they’re eating Taco Bell, out of diapers and all of the specialty baby crap is not needed. Enter: Activities.
That money you’re saving on diapers goes to soccer. They money saved on formula or baby food gets transitioned into food. Because guess what? Once they dump the powdered fake boob milk and pureed carrots, they want a $5.50 Happy Meal … and they’re still hungry. Even at a pre-K age, they’ll eat you out of house or home.
The 5-year-old currently cohabitating with my wife and I started dance six months ago and about $800 later it ended. Yes, I get to save $45 a month and hundreds more on future outfits and “RECITAL FEES.”
Guess where that $45 a month is going? More effin’ activities. For June and July, it’s going toward something called Mouse Club: A program at the daycare that teaches kid computer skills. Or skillz. Unfortunately, no hacking skillz.
After Mouse Club, it’ll be something else. Something dumb and boring probably.
She goes to swim lessons next week. In three weeks, it’s tennis lessons.
All of this is relatively fine. I’m all for sports and activities. I’m resigned to the endless cycle of spending. Just, for those with small kids and for those thinking about procreating, IT WILL NEVER, EVER END. THERE IS NEVER A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.
Sorry to spoil the movie. (I am not sorry.)
-Mad Dad
