Post On Request: I Got Worms

Just so you know what we’re dealing with.

Reader Misty is enjoying a birthday today and almost two weeks ago sent me the following POST ON REQUEST:

“What do you think about the tapeworm diet and those who think it is a good idea?”

Let me just start off by wishing Misty a very happy Birthday and then thanking her. Thanks to the internet research I had to do for Misty’s post request, I’m not eating another morsel of anything this fine TUES-the-EXTREME Day. I’m sure to drop a 1/2 of pound from my sudden and complete loss of appetite. Most likely you will too!

I Got Worms

While exercise and diet is the key to sustained weight management, that doesn’t sound fun, nor is it easy. That’s why for centuries snake-oil salesmen have made a fortune off of shilling crap that doesn’t work, and folks have been doing ridiculous shiz in the name of “easy weight loss.”

From the “Hollywood Miracle Diet” to the unfortunately named “AYDS Diet Plan,” there have been some nutty regimens followed, all with the same goal in mind: fast results that require no effort. Perhaps there is no more disgusting and HP Lovecraft-like than the “Tapeworm Diet.”

The premise of the tapeworm diet is simple: Fatso ingests beef tapeworm larvae, lets the suckers come to life inside their intestines where the tapeworms then block proper digestion and nutrient absorption. The end result sounds awesome: “Eat all you want and still lose weight!” Once the dieter’s goal weight is reached, they take medicine that kills the parasite and allows them to poop the dead worm’s carcass out.

GROSS-O-MODO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Believe it or not, this Tapeworm diet nonsense has been around for decades. Check out this ad from the 1920’s…

Ew.

For all you lazy plump rumps who are thinking: “HAY! THIS LOOKS LIKE A GOOD IDEA!” I have bad news for you, the Tapeworm diet is illegal in the United States.

And for good reason, the diet can lead to fatal complications and requires you infect yourself with a parasite for f*cks sake. Seriously people, isn’t it just easier to walk to a Subway?

Of course, the sterling Medical community of Mexico offers a solution. For $1500.00 a clinic will infect you with beef tapeworm larvae and will then provide you with the meds to sh*t that nasty big thing out when you’re skinny enuff.

Why beef tapeworms? Because people run the risk of BRAIN TAPEWORMS with other meat-hosted tapeworm larvae. Friendly Tip: If you never want to sleep again, google: “brain tapeworms”.

The saddest thing about this whole dang post is the comments on the articles written about the tapeworm diet. I found a metric ton of folks looking for a place that sells beef tapeworm larvae on the “Black Market.” People desperate to get a nasty worm inside of them (getyourmindoutofthegutter.)

Oh heck, why don’t we make this infectious diet legal all over the globe!? Sure the consequences may be fatal, but it’s evolution AKA “thinning the heard,” in action! Because let’s be real, if you’re willing to host a parasite just to lose weight without effort…well, you’re expendable.

One question remains.

As a pet owner with an animal who once had to be treated for tapeworms, I can’t help but wonder…Do Tapeworm dieters drag their butts across the carpet too?

-The Crib Keeper

Speaking of pets with tapeworms…

Cats. Hate them or hate them, you’ve gotta admit Garfield the comic cat has a pile of money. Since his introduction in the 1970’s by the beloved/hated hand of Jim Davis, Garfield has been a mint that continuously churns out the $$$ and manages to stay relevant.

As a child I was a HUGE Garfield fan. Now? Well, the embittered march of time across my inner child has left me too snarky to enjoy his deadpanned witticisms.

Garfield Sucks.

Apparently, I’m not the only one who has no love for the morbidly obese feline…Twitter is rife with Garfield Haters. say hello to my new favorite internet time-wasting activity: LOL’ing at  Garfield hate tweets.

For an extra hard laugh, check out buzzfeed’s compilation of the hate thrown at Garfield on twitter mind the language, as you can imagine It’s NSFW.

via


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