Those Dicks.

99% of the time, this clap-trap chuckle hut is a real joke a thon. Every now and then, because this IS a personal blog and ol’ Cribsy DOES have actual issues, I write a serious post. One that is a real bum out for some, and helpful for others. It’s a series I call, “After School Special.” This is one of those posts. For those of you wishing to swim in the shallow end? I have over 900+ posts of pure nonsense and foolery, check one of them up instead!

After School Special: In the Knock of Time

Lover Fo Life has been gone on business for 2 weeks as of tomorrow and sadly, he’s in Brazil until Friday.

In the time since he left: I’ve packed, closed on our new house, and with the help of family, moved the majority of all the heavy stuff out of my old house. I’ve been busy as a bumble bee, y’all! Note: All while being the sole parent in country to one very Angry little demolition expert. Angry Baby has been upset by the change in her routine and is a full-time job by herself. It’s been crazy. But rather than hear me complain or lament my stress levels, I’m grateful.

I feel lucky to be here talking to you at all after last Wednesday night.

Angry Baby and I enjoyed some swimming time at our new house Wednesday evening after moving a ton of stuff with my brother G$ and his Lady, as we headed back to our old house (where all of our belongings were,) I yawned and felt the approaching of sleep. After Angry Baby was fed, bathed, and put down for the evening, I found myself the proud recipient of a 2nd wind. What did I choose to do with this unexpected windfall of energy? Why write, of course! It may come as a shock to you, but I write some of my posts well in advance of them “going live.” I schedule my publishing throughout the day,  because let’s face it, I’m chasing an 18-month-old wrecking ball around, I have to write when I find the opportunity!

As I began writing, I also decided to catch up on my DVR, the next thing I knew it was 1:45 in the morning, and I was wearily saving a draft. Just as I decided to call it a night, there was a faint knock at my door.

My blood ran cold.

I procured my handgun from my purse, and went to the peep-hole, there were 3 or 4 older teen males. I noticed they were wearing flannel and what appeared to be knit beanies.

“What do you want?” I firmly shouted through the locked door. I watched them hear my question. They huddled and began talking amongst each other. One of the thugs knocked again.

I loaded my gun’s chamber with a bullet, like the rest in the  magazine it was a hollow point bullet, designed to do as much damage as possible to an assailant. The bullet morphs into shards that rip and tear tissue and human organs. I don’t f*ck around.

“I’m not answering the door to anyone at 2:00am, get off my property.”

They knocked again.

I went to Angry Baby’s room, and called my brother G$. Luckily, he lives .09 miles away from me and is a wall of intimidating strength. If you were to have a naturally manly bada*s contest, G would be at the top of the contenders.

His cell went to voicemail, of course it did, seeing as it was nearly 2:00am on a weeknight. I called him back instantly, he picked up before it rang, come to find out, he was already calling me back.

“What’s up, Lauren?”

“Hey G, there are 3 or 4 males in flannel and beanie hats outside of my front door, they won’t stop knocking, and they won’t answer me either.”

“I’m on my way.”

I stayed on the phone with him while the hooligans continued to knock on my door, I know this because my dog El Rey, who never barks, barked constantly until the dudes left, several minutes later.

From the time I called waking G$ up from a dead sleep, until when he was DONE checking the perimeter of my house, was a total of 7 minutes. I know this because my cellphone recorded the time of the entire call. To say that my G proved himself to be a superhero that night is an understatement. He waited outside while I gathered enough supplies for the evening  and scooped Angry Baby out of bed. After I was loaded and my child was safely back in her car seat, he followed us out of the neighborhood, and I went to my mother in law’s for the night, I filled a police report with the dispatcher and they had cars patrolling my old street all night. I called Lover fo’ Life in Brazil, he was terrified for me, but thankful for his brother’s quick assistance and my safety. After we spoke, it was after 3:00am my time. Finally, I could go to sleep for the night.

Only, I couldn’t really sleep. The adrenaline and worry over what might have happened, kept me awake for the remainder of the night. In the morning, I called Baby Bro and told him what happened.

“Those weren’t beanies they were wearing, it’s 90 degrees outside. They were ski masks pulled up. I’m coming over, don’t go there without me.”

2.5 Hours later, my brother arrived from Austin (that’s where he lives,) and started helping me pack boxes and haul valuables out of my old house. Mid afternoon, we took a break and left the house for about 30 minutes to pick up my mother in law’s flatbed dodge truck (a must when moving!) I drove my SUV and my brother followed me to the old house in Mom’s truck. As I rounded my old street, I noticed a unfamilliar vehicle parked across the street (at my 60-year-old neighbor’s house.) My instinct kicked in, “see if someone is in the car.”

And there he was.

It was one of the knocking teens from the night before. We made eye contact. The moment he saw me look at him, he slowly started to drive off. I parked and got out of my car immediately, with authority, I stared his car down.

As he rounded the corner, we locked eyes again, this time I pointed directly at him and baby bro took off in the truck after him. The car peeled off and eventually lost my brother.

Needless to say, I’m a little spooked.

The 2 am attempted home invasion was bad enough, but coming back the next day to case my place? Well, that is just too stupid and/or ballsy to comprehend.

The scumbags haven’t been back. Oh sure, I only go to my old house during the daylight, and refuse to ever bring Angry Baby back, ever again…but I’d like to think when my brother and I confronted the intruder/snooper the next day, I looked directly into his eyes and saw fear.

Fear because he was recognized by a woman he and his friends deemed as an easy mark. A lady all alone with a baby about to move out all her expensive stuff, art, jewelry, technology, etc. I just seemed like an oblivious, nice prospect. Until I let the bastard know I saw him, and knew exactly what he was up to. When I pointed at him, it was with accusatory force, as if I was practicing for, “That one, officer, he’s the one I saw!” His face registered genuine shock and worry when I locked eyes and sic’d my brother on him. I sincerely doubt the jerks will be coming back.

Last Monday, I closed on our new beautiful house, in a safe, quiet, excellent neighborhood. It appears we got out of our old place just in time. I’m thankful for my family, my child’s safety and most importantly, my gun. I’m going to write a whole accompaniment for this post tomorrow. See, being in that terrifying moment with criminals waiting to break into my house, I learned some incredible things and came to some surprising conclusions. I can’t wait to tell you all about them, later. For now, I’ve got a new house to continue unpacking and a Sweet little seahorse to swim with. Angry Baby is a fish and demands daily extensive swim time.

Besides, YOU’VE been reading this far too long! Why, this post is over 1300 words, I know you drunks don’t do long articles! Get back to work and or drinking!

Love,

Pistol Packin’ Mama (AKA The Crib Keeper)