When Do The Lies Stop, Pizza Hut!?

PIZZA CHEATER!

Pizza Hut, the AMERICAN CREATED chain of cheese-slinging pizza joints, made news on my humble little drunk tank of a website 2 weeks ago when it was revealed that the Pizza jerks created a HOTDOG STUFFED CRUST PIZZA (complete with mustard drizzle,) that was NOT available in America.

If you’ll recall in my article, I asked that you start blowing up your local Pizza Hut’s phone with the simple question: “WHEN IS AMERICA GETTING THE HOTDOG PIZZA!?” I was not calling for a full-on boycott, just a humble request protest aimed at getting them to sell us the “good stuff” aka the Hotdog Stuffed Crust Pizza.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Friends and Enemies…I’m back with an update.

There’s a new chapter in our story of betrayal and boggarting that is sure to rip your heart into a million tiny pieces. It all started with a message from one of the coolest people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing, it was a sentence with a link:

And it gets even awesomer…”

The link was to a post on the Dallas Observer’s City of ATE blog, I clicked and instantly had my heart broken. Seems those pizza pricks at Pizza Hut are slutting it up with the rest of the world, while we…the ever-trusting American public sit at home quietly devouring our simple discs of sauce cheese and toppings.

You see, the UK with their superior HotDog Pizza and fancy accent, isn’t the only market getting the RIGHTFULLY AMERICAN goods, say hello to Pizza Hut’s newest floozie…

THE CHEESEBURGER STUFFED CRUST PIZZA

I was made for loving you baby.

This wonder of modern man is ONLY Available in Middle Eastern Locations of Pizza Hut. Can you even stand it?

The CHEESEBURGER CRUST PIZZA was born to be in the USA. Officially, it’s named the “Crown Crust Pizza,” but I like to call it the “knife in Lady Liberty’s back.”

There’s even a commercial for it in English! Is it just me or are these lucky A-HOLES making fun of us at the beginning of the commercial? It’s like they know we’re watching across the globe and they’re laughing at our tears of cheeseburger crust pizza longing.

Pizza Hut, I really don’t know what to do with you. I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt, another chance after your previous PIZZA BETRAYAL, and then you go and do this. Did you think it wouldn’t get back to us?

Listen up, Pizza Bastards: MAKE THIS PIZZA AVAILABLE IN THE STATES or else.

I’m thisclose to breaking up with you Pizza Hut. You’re a cheating scoundrel sleazilly spreading your sauce around the world in ways that humiliate the ample bottomed, good ol’ US of A, but I’m giving you another shot at redemption.

All you have to do is make this delicious creation, THE CHEESEBURGER CRUST PIZZA available to America…or the Hotdog Stuffed Crust pizza for that matter.

I wish I could quit you.

Afterall, we’ve had some cheesy good times, and YOU DID spare us that whole Japan Stuffed Shrimp and mayonnaise crust pizza. Yes, you read that correctly, SHRIMP+ MAYO+ PIZZA = A real thing. Here’s an ad for it…

(thanks Matt)


Comments

When Do The Lies Stop, Pizza Hut!? — 8 Comments

  1. “….the ample bottomed, good ol’ US of A, …..”

    Is it just me, or did anyone else get a certain song by Queen stuck in their head upon reading this?

  2. I’m not kidding even a little when I say I would eat a piece. But what does ‘a piece’ consist of in this case? How do you even eat the middle part? I mean, I’m healthy, I want vegetables.

  3. Hmmm… I’m in the ME… Let me see if I can find this horrid, horrid concoction. I’ll report back my presumably tasty findings… Right after my heart attack. (But I am totally serious.)

  4. Updated report: I have scoured the teeny tiny Middle Eastern island I live on, and have yet to find a PH that actually has heard of this madness… But I shall avail, as I do travel around to other ME countries on occasion. I will find it, and I will eat it. And report back.

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