This is the Voice (You Have No Choice.)

Doin' it for the Cee Lo.

For those of you new to class, I watch NBC’s talent carnival, The Voice. I haven’t written a ton about it, because frankly, there’s no NAKIA(!) for me this season. I’m mildly interested this round, but a fanatic by no means.

That being said, I imagine a ton of you biter old queens reading this have little patience for your brilliant host and author, going on about a reality show…well tuff. I’ve got over 930+ posts of hysterical genius that have nothing to do with this show, find one of them and read it instead. Otherwise, join me as I take some time to catch up with The Voice.

Last Night’s episode started with a flatulent Cee Lo. It really doesn’t get any better than the most beautiful man in television blowing hot gas Christina Aguilera’s way. Speaking of, anyone notice that her tube dress looked like fart vapors?

X-Tina, I just can’t with you. (I’ll revisit your has-been azz later, hooker.)

Instead of focusing on Adam Levine’s nutless vocal stylings,  I’ll address the fact that Blake Shelton is now my favorite judge after Cee Lo the Fabulous.

Last season Blake annoyed me, but this time around, I find his “country as a basket of eggs” routine very refreshing. Oh sure, Blake STILL has no clue of current music (other than country,) but he’s warm and non-stuck up with his peeps, so I gotta recognize.

This season, I fear might be my last, while I love Cee Lo, and will probably record and fast forward next cycle just so I can see his beautiful buns each week, I’m officially withdrawing from team “give a sh*t.”

While the talent has been good, the show is going in a different direction, gone are the earnest attempts at skipping the hype, and in its place is a whole lotta gloss.

As the teenagers begin their cruel reign of cute, the talent isn’t necessarily making the cut.

Hey, I watched American Idol in the beginning…I know where this is going, and it isn’t pretty.

Once upon a time,  I was a”Claymate” meaning I was a fan and voter of Clay Aiken. Yours truly once made a sign that said: “I’m Aiken for Clay!” Oh sure, I knew the ginger songbird only liked the peen, but I still thought he was wonderful. Ten years later? I find myself having little for the “cute boys” on the voice…NONE OF THEM have that Coppertop’s chutzpah!

Last night there were some great performances:

Cheesa sang a Whitney Houston staple, “I Have Nothing,” better than the late diva had in later years.

Jamar Rogers sang Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life,” and nailed it. Jamar is a recovered drug addict who is also unfortunately, HIV positive.  The song choice proved poignant and the lyrics took on a completely deeper, meaning. He became the one to beat last night, as far as I’m concerned.

Of course, there was a crap pile as well…

James Massone proved once again that America is the land of hormonal tweens that just wanna get their french kiss on.

DO NOT WANT.

 Young Girls, what do you see in this dude? He literally looks like the entire cast of the 1992 Disney musical “Newsies.” So not hot.

Seize the Doppelganger.

By the way, I loathe James’ sob story about not wanting to have to go “back to work,” at his FATHER’S Automotive Garage.

Boo f*cking hoo, James. You have a family business that will employ you eternally. FYI dipwad: Most RECENT COLLEGE GRADS ARE UNEMPLOYED. Enjoy living a fairly comfortable life learning and practicing a trade that is beyond valuable and STFU about your miserable privileged life.

I’m so glad Cee Lo put the little girl James out of his misery by sending him packing.

Speaking of my brother from another mother, the Mocha in my Latte, Cee Lo was perfection tonight! TWO WORDS: GLOWING GRILL!

His performance with his old pals and group, Goodie Mob was outstanding. They rocked the hail outta their new song, “Fight to Win.”If you missed it: watch it here (while you can.)

Of course, even Cee Lo the magical unicorn of my dreams was upstaged by my favorite performance of the night: Tony Lucca and his answer to X-Tina’s cutting “you strike me as very one-note and unoriginal,” hate she threw at him last week.

The former Mouseketeer rocked everyone’s face off by singing Britney Spears’ classic tune, “Hit Me Baby One More Time.”

Real Talk, this song choice was just what America needed. The reason why I say that is: all season X-tina has done nothing but sit up on her high horse and look bored. Girlfriend has been a real snob, acting high and mighty (like her last album, Bionic, didn’t FAIL harder than a Backstreet Boy in calculus.)

Last week she broke America’s heart when she essentially told Jesse Campbell the formerly down on his luck father and struggling musician, “You don’t fit the mold, you’re old and used to be homeless, ew.” Ho told him to get L-O-S-T, when he was in the running to take it ALL. (What a pinhead!)

I’ve been so angry since she  wrongfully booted Jessie. I thought I could just let it go but I can’t Ol’ Cribsy’s got something to say…

Hey FAIL-Tina,

Guess what you sweaty, entitled, out of touch slut? You may fool everyone else with your “vocal gymnastics,” but not me. You aren’t the voice of a generation, and you’re never going to be Britney.

Bald crazy Britney beats peak of her prime Aguilera any day. Sorry, it’s the truth. While Brit may not be the better of the singers, she’s a solid gold star in the sky, forever. You will always be the flank steak to Brit Brit’s Filet Mignon.

Enough about that chewed up piece of bazooka joe…back to Tony Lucca and his awesome performance.

Tony’s song choice, “Baby One More Time,” and subsequent ROUSING rendition of it, essentially reminded us where things ACTUALLY shake out in the living world outside of Christina’s own ego.

After all the performances, the night ended with 2 contestants getting ousted,  Coach’s Choice, style.

Pip, the kid I’ve wanted to punch in the face since day one, did a pretty good job, but crashed and burned at the end. Adam Pimp-slapped Pip back to the tie rack at his local Men’s Warehouse.

Two judges did what they had to do last night. Adam and my precious Cee Lo both told the teens of the USA to get bent, and sent the newly-minted hearthrobs packing. Sayonara Newsies kid James, I hope your dad puts you in a sleeper hold for acting like the future he built for you was a death sentence.

Pip, let’s face it. You’ve had a good run. You’re going to be knee-deep in dates for the Sadie Hawkins Dance. In the end, massive adoration and ego stroking (ahem,) is all a young man in this world wants anyway.

Everyone else? We’ll see how the eliminations go tonight…my guess is: all the meaty girls will be in the bottom, and all the HOT DUDES will rise to the top. Prove me wrong teen voters, you Tiger Beat reading, training bra stuffing little brats! PROVE ME WRONG!


Comments

This is the Voice (You Have No Choice.) — 3 Comments

  1. Alas, I’m a day behind due to my love of DVR and don’t watch anything live, I did not get to vote to save Lady Killer #2…

    I think you’re right on with the show going in a different direction. Reading your post, there is little mention of the actual contestants and mostly discussion about the “coaches.” Although I love the chemistry between the four, they spend way too much time asking them what they think. For example, after tonight’s “last chance” performances they asked each judge what they thought and then asked each one again for who they would save. It took 3 1/2 minutes of air time for the girls to perform and then about 12 for discussion and another 3 for the final coach to stammer on and then final make a decision. I think they’re focused on the wrong “voices!”

    Now on to your blasphemous statement about Britney, she is by far the #2 diva when compared to Christina. Granted, Christina has made some bad choices over the years (ie. dirrty), but the talentless, heavily digitized Ms. Spears cannot even pretend to be on the same playing field. Ms. Christina has earned her place on that high horse with crazy vocal talent!

    As for the contestants, there have been some crazy eliminations. I do like the mix of “Amerca’s” saves with coaches’ eliminations, versus the straight-up popularity contest on tomorrow night. I think my money is on Team Adam this year, with both Katrina and Tony headed into next week. Cee Lo is close with sob-story Jamar and freak-child Juliet, but Blake and Christina are screwed with their teams…

    FYI – I blame my obsession with television reality singing show on you. You kept nagging me to watch this “cool new show” way back in the summer of 2002…

    • I did it on purpose. The Voice has ALWAYS been about the Coaches I’d say it’s a 70/30 split with talent (and I’m being generous!) I completely agree with you about the Coaches feedback! Personally, I think if they aren’t the coach of the performer, they shouldn’t have a say or comment.

      In the realm of SANGIN’ yes, Brit is sh*t, but what I meant by my mini-rant is simple. Gorgeous voice or not, X-Tina is and will always been a second tier icon to Britney. Love her or hate her, BS is a brand that is as American as fast food and high fructose corn syrup. Christina is not. Yes, I will agree that the girl can sing, and for years she was my favorite of the two (Brit’s batsh*t crazy mid-00’s era.) But Christina and her big voice fall flat live. Example: listen to any studio album of hers and she’s got a golden throat. But put her on a stage these days, and the showboating becomes too much, the vocal runs, the embellishments, all take away from her talent.

      Example: Here’s the mighty mouse singing “At Last,” years ago…as you’ll see she does the runs and showboating, but the main focus is on the standard. Fast forward a decade, and here’s her performing at Etta James’ funeral…http://youtu.be/aviEAI_NgYc

      See what I mean? She’s gotten too full of hearing her own voice, the simple song is completely unrecognizable. I half expected Miss Etta to rise from her casket and slap the weave outta X-Tina.

      You are spot on about the good mix of America/ Judges, it keeps it interesting AND cancels out the teenyboppers. Obviously, I’m biased to Cee Lo’s coaching and molding genius, so I think he’s the front runner and Adam is a close second. Completely agree: Blake’s team is out of the running…and Christina threw her chance at victory out when she axed Jesse.

      LOL, well I’m proud to have given you the sickness, because I happen to BLAME YOU for my unhealthy love of my DVR. I remember a dashing young man extolling the virtues of Tivo, the rest is history.

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