Winston, We Need You ZeddeMORE than EVER!
Sound the sirens, engage your emergency worst case scenario plan, grab your bug-out bag and go to your fall out shelter, it’s the end times.
America, I have some horrible news that you’re going to shame eat a box of Twinkies over need to sit down for…
Snack cake company Hostess might be instantly out of business any day now. Seems those dang ol’ teamsters are threatening a union strike that would mean game over for the struggling home of Twinkie the Kid.
In January, Hostess filed for bankruptcy. While devastating news, they bounced back from a previous 2004 bankruptcy filing, so all hope wasn’t lost.
Unfortunately, the International Brotherhood of Teamsters and the Bakery, Confectionery, Tobacco Workers, are quarreling with the company over pensions and what they feel is poor management. Look, I don’t really care about the particulars, all I know is that some jerks in New York are coming close to killing part of our nation’s DNA. You can read the gory details of the fight in this article.
If they strike, Hostess Brands company is kaput. Which means:
No Ding Dongs..
I Love Ding Dongs in my mouth (getyourmidoutofthegutter.)
No Donettes…
Little Chocolate Donuts = The Breakfast of Champions
NO HOSTESS FRUIT PIES!
Mmmmm...Pie. *Homer Drool*
No super cool curly white icing stripe.
Classic Design.
No HO HOs (<—best food name ever.)
Ho Ho's- writing their own jokes for years.
No Snowballs…
Fuzzy pink balls.
and most importantly,
No Twinkies.
PLEASE DON'T GO!
All of your self-righteous, vitamin-pounding, health nut friends are going to be extra smug on the way to the gym after they hear this awful news. Me? I’ve had the sweet creamy filling sucked out of my morning. Thanks for chopping up our beloved Hostess and burying it in a concrete slab, teamsters.
Teamsters: Y’all are some fun murdering jerks and I hope you seriously reconsider this strike. Think of the morbidly obese, the children and the morbidly obese children. Young Ryan Seacrest knows what I’m talking about!
American Idle
Everyone else: Start hoarding your favorite Hostess wares!
Internets: Bring me your GREATEST Twinkie copycat recipes. HURRY, there’s not much time!
His creme is on YOUR hands, Teamsters!
It think this was the exact trigger that kicked off the events of The Hunger Games, in which America was divided into 5 districts, and Dumbledore was forced to turn Voldemort into a vampire, which made made Edward have to kill him with a bow and arrow.
Makes sense, we as a wicked Nation deserve all that comes our way if we let these babies go away.
No more awesome banana pudding?!
Don’t worry Roo, we’ll make it with fake twinkies. Ladies and gentlemen, my best gal pal in the world, THE ROOSTER!!!!!!!!
Jimmy Hoffa is rolling over in his grave, wherever that may be. On second thought, it’s more likely that his dismembered chunks are twirling around one another within the cement foundation of which they are a part. Either way, Hoffa is going to haunt the jeepers out of his Teamster buddies.
Get this crap, Jimmy Hoffa Jr currently runs the teamsters!
At least donut bacon maple beer will never be extinct. Uhhh. (Oregon is so gross) http://www.madeinoregon.com/Voodoo-Doughnut-Bacon-Maple-Brown-Ale-Rogue-Ales-22oz.html