Pour One Out For Our Hipster Hero

Gone but not forgotten.

Brian Wilson is the hippest baller in the game of baseball. He’s a full-blown icon in the hipster subculture. Though I don’t give a J.Lo sh*t about professional sports, I do care about this bearded d-bag.

Brian’s supremely talented in facial hair growth, a trait worthy of space in my heart. His ridiculous outfit at last year’s ESPY’s sealed it, he’s a true snarky hero.


Unfortunately, Brian has re-injured his elbow and homeboy will not only hafta undergo surgery on it, he’s likely to sit out the 2013 season.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know, www.grouchymuffin.com doesn’t do sports. But Wilson is an exception, maybe it’s the ice-blue eyes or the young James Caan on meth vibe I get from him, but Brian Wilson’s all gravy as far as the Crib Keeper is concerned.

I’m going to take this time to personally address the injured baseball professional.

Brian, I’m here to wish you a SPEEDY recovery, and more importantly help you stay positive about your setback. Brian Wilson, though you’ll be in pain and recovery for the several following months, cheer up, B-Wil! Why? Here are just a few reasons.

Now you’re free to have a personal life. No hardcore training, no yelling fat old coaches, just you and the ladies, living it up injury roster style. I’ll even go as far enough as saying I’ll bet by the end of the Summer, you and Lana Del Rey will be humpin’ hips.

But that’s not all, now that you’re not going to be playing there’s…

Plenty of time for you to watch all those Buster Keaton reels from the 20’s you’ve been meaning to get to. Let’s face it, as a hipster, you’re slacking on your obscure silent-era film intake.

You’ll be able to read Ulysses, as you already know, completing James Joyce’s fractured tome is the hipster’s Mt. Everest.

And if those lovely treasures of pretentious time-wasting suggestions don’t satisfy you? Well, there’s always booze.

Whole Foods rich people organic grocery store currently has 3 Wishes California Merlot on sale for…$2.99 a bottle. You can get sh*tfaced, keep your organic diet going AND impress everyone by swilling a glass of Merlot.

Brian Wilson, I hate sports and think the nation spends an exorbitant amount of money watching professional athletes go after a bunch of balls. But you know what? I can tell you’re “above it all,” aka a first class hipster who’s only doing it for a paycheck, I can’t throw shade.

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