Get Your Lick On (Not What it Sounds Like!)


78% of my life is based on the wisdom learned while repeatedly watching the classic 1971 film, “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.” If you’re a superfan like me, you’ve most likely wished for specific confections to become a reality.

Some of you are “Fizzy Lifting Drink” folks, while others long for a river of liquified chocolate. Me? I’m a lickable wallpaper gal. For years I’ve longed to let my tongue run wild on delicious fictitious wallpaper.

And now, because we truly are living in the future, a London Elevator has been festooned with lickable walls. Except because someone across the pond is cruising for the title of “GREATEST INVENTOR EVER,” the lickable walls aren’t fruit…the walls taste like cake.

Typical day at the office.

The Jaffa Cakes company took over an ordinary, run of the mill office elevator and made it the “World’s First Lickable Lift!” The company installed almost 1500 individual stickers that are flavored and look just like the real Jaffa Cakes. The workers and visitors to the elevator are invited to spend their lift time licking and enjoying the delicious walls.

Oh and for all you germophobes out there? The elevator has an attendant to make sure ALL licked cakes are immediately replaced after a person licks it.

While this is truly a sight and delight to behold, and my childhood dream of lickable wallpaper has FINALLY come true, I’ve got some concerns…

Food executives are taking note and considering following Jaffa. It’s just too cool of an idea to pass up. I worry that the technology will fall into the wrong hands. No one wants to lick on a pickled herring elevator, or scarf down egg-salad flavored wall covering.

Hooray progress, and all that crap…but I’m gonna pass on licking the lickable wallpaper at certain locations, no matter how clean they promise the experience.

As a mother and pal can I give you a friendly tip? Don’t lick the walls in a public elevator. Ever.

Speaking of places to avoid licking, in the event this WONDEROUS invention makes it to your local adult movie theatre, please refrain from partaking. Advice also goes for future lickable: bus stations, gentlemen’s clubs, anywhere on the Jersey Shore, Bikram Yoga studios, public restrooms, etc.

I should be happier, but unfortunately the following photo reminded me of that ol’ chestnut my mammy used to roll around: “Be careful what you wish for.”

See, while giddy upon learning of the lickable CAKE FLAVORED walls, my excitement was soon tinged by reality, as I saw this fine gentleman getting his “lick on.” The reality is, you’re going to be trapped in a tiny box with dudes that are posed just like this…(only, because you have sh*t luck, the man in your “lickable lift” will be 543 pounds and wet as a thunderstorm.)

Why are my loins tingling?

I don’t care how many attendees they claim to have…no elevator is going to fully remove the salty, onion-scented, sweat of a super fat dude.  You’re welcome.

Oh sure, the raving hooker inside of me is jazzed about getting to lick inanimate objects in public with a valid, wholesome, excuse… but see, I’m a sicko… a “lost cause” if you will.

There’s still hope for you. In the elevator of life, you can either lick or love. Wouldn’t you rather have love (in an elevator?)

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