It’s Official: Alcohol Makes You Smarter!

Say Hello to "Copernicus 2"

Last month, for those of you sober enough to remember it, I introduced you to the University of Wisconsin Study that found daydreaming made you smarter through enhancing your “Working Memory Capacity.” Well, guess what babies, there’s a NEW study out about booze and your brain…seems the sweet nectar makes you smarter too!

The University of Illinois has come out with the findings of a study that claims to show alcohol boosts the working memory and the brain’s ability to problem solve. The study found test subjects who had a Blood alcohol Content of .07 ( FYI: legally drunk is  .08) struggled with attention-centered tasks but excelled when the question required more flexible thinking. But oh wait there’s more: the boozed up subjects not only solved 40% more questions than the stone-sober control group, they solved them 20% faster than the teetotalers.

So basically, chugging the good stuff can make you Mr. f*cking Wizard.

Look, I have so many jokes running through my feeble, vodka-pickled brain that I can’t continue with this sciencey post, until I’ve let my laffs FLOW!

  • Um, are we really going to trust a bunch of University student’s findings on the effects of booze? They’re in college for crissakes! College AKA the place where parties, classes, campus strolls, peer interaction and make out sessions, are ALL improved with alcohol. Sorry partying college kid scientists,  I’m gonna have to take this IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC NEWS(!) with a shaker grain of salt.
  • HA! All this time I wasn’t killing brain cells, but sending them to Harvard!! You too, skid row bums, and derelict hookers…we’ve got the smarts of a Rhoades Scholar!
  • I knew this BRAIN SCIENCE MIRACLE all along. Why, it’s the whole reason I chug a Bailey’s and Smurfberry Crunch smoothie every morning. (I’m kidding…I don’t eat Smurfberry Crunch.)

Look, as a hard-core smarty pants and lover of the SWEET SWEET booze, I’d lurve to sit here and say,”drinking makes you smarter!” But the grim fact is: We all have SPECIFIC EXAMPLES burned in our memories of booze induced stupidity.

Be they poorly chosen tattoos…

Stupid drunken public displays with accordion playing insane people…

Or embarrassing hookups…


 …we’ve all proven that drinking doesn’t make you brilliant.

After all, when it comes down to it: no one looks smart when they p*ss themselves.  

 My doubts aside, Science IS Science, so I’m stocking up on BRAIN JUICE! Good thing they now sell a personal walk in beer cooler complete with keg tap. At 7 G’s it’s practically a BARGAIN!  Learn all about it HERE!




It’s Official: Alcohol Makes You Smarter! — 2 Comments

  1. The only thing I can say to that is that since alcohol lowers your inhibitions, you’re probably more apt to thinking outside the box (the creative problem-solving).

    I mean, how else would we get things like ‘entirely edge brownie pans’ and ‘toe socks’?

  2. You have now given me ammunition to convince myself that I am on the right path in life. Thank you Crib Keeper! I was so not looking forward to getting rid of all my booze.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *