These colors don't run. (laps)


Most of you chumps are grumbling the end of a luxurious extended weekend, and while I wish I had an upbeat, awesome post to help ease you into the pill-kick that today is sure to be, I don’t. We’ve got a pizza emergency to discuss.

America, has been the leading nation in pizza: consumption, purchases, and availability, for over a century. We may have not invented the savory disc of manna, but we perfected the art of having it delivered piping hot to our doorstep.

Which brings me to the matter at hand, we’re currently being out-pizza’ed by the Brits.

The United Kingdom aka our Brother from the same mother, has several Pizza Hut restaurant locations. At those locations you can now order a creation that was born to reside stateside.

Say hello to the Hot Dog Stuffed Pizza (complete with Mustard Drizzle.)

Yes, this is a real thing.

Gorgeous isn’t it? I’ll bet you’re now reading this post amidst a sea of saliva, awash in your own drool. Well, I didn’t title this post: “American Pizza Triumph,” did I? This symphony of delight ain’t available here. Boo Hiss.

Yep, there’s a pizza and hotdog out there humpin’ on each other and if you lived in the United Kingdom right now, you could be in the middle of a perfect junk food 3-way, but you don’t. So instead we’ll just have to hope a good public shaming brings Pizza Hut to their senses.

Fun Fact: You know who invented the Pizza Hut chain? An American. Pizza hut, before going (prestige) worldwide, was a stateside specialty. Started in the 1930’s, the company became synonymous with mass-produced, cardboard covered in ketchup pizza. As with all sub-par American culinary juggernauts, Pizza Hut went global, which is why those tea-swilling sophistos in Britannia are able to have a hotdog stuffed pizza.

Currently, America aka the land of the fat and the home of the Deen, is not able to purchase the most American creation from an American company in the history of ever. I’m so angry that all I can do right now is type AMERICA!!!

Darn you Pizza Hut! How Dare you deny us our GIRTHright! USA!USA!USA!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls…we’re going to protest.

Sometime within the day, whatever day it is that YOU get around to reading this particular post on my clap-trap hobo parlor of a website, I want you to do one simple thing. Call a US pizza hut location.

No, I don’t want you to order a pizza, or even prank call…I just want you to ask the person on the other phone, “Why don’t you guys sell the Hot Dog stuffed pizza at your location?” After they knock the WTF outta their ears, educate them about the new pizza and simply request they start selling it. I don’t care if you order some bread sticks while you’re at it, I’m not advocating a boycott, just a shaming. Pass it on, if you love America.

Eventually, if we get enough calls and inquiries perhaps they will grant our humble request. A pizza stuffed with a hot dog? It’s our nation’s right!

To all of my UK readers? Bully on you, go out and ENJOY THIS MONSTROSITY AND REPORT BACK! You owe it to the rest of the world to utilize this precious privilege!



AMERICAN INJUSTICE! AKA Pizza Hut, How Could You? — 10 Comments

  1. It is pretty shocking that da Hut exposed this idea to the Redcoats first considering how retarded we are about nutrition. Then again, maybe PH is finally reading my letters I send them proposing testing new foods, pharmaceuticals and comestics on the Brits. By the way, da Hut is where we went to eat after Sunday night church and we would play Pearl Jam’s “Alive” over and over and play air guitar to the solo.

  2. “… clap-trap hobo parlor of a website …”
    Just about shot milk out of my nose on that one.

    As for the pizza, I’ll pass. Besides, they don’t have the Double Down from KFC. We’re still on top when it comes to fast food abortions.

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