Mad Dad won our latest round of CAPTION THIS, and sent me the following topic…
“Crib Keeper’s Top 10 Guilty Pleasures.
Food. Music. Movies. TV. Art. Collectibles or crap. Butterfly kisses. Porn. Anything. Everything.
I realize that you probably don’t feel “guilty” about anything you love. But consider things that might draw criticism or snark from others.”
Mad Dad, I would be happy to oblige. You are CORRECT, I never feel guilty about anything I love, but I catch your drift…
You want me to share embarrassing interests that will provide endless giggles for haters and the hated. COMING RIGHT UP!
My Top 10 “Guilty” Pleasures, by the Crib Keeper
10. Questionable Leftovers
I’ve got guts of steel, and because of this, I often play fast and loose with the leftovers in the fridge. I’ve been known to keep things well after their sell by date, feverishly insisting they’re “still good.” You know what? Most of the time, the stuff is perfectly fine. L4L turns green every time he sees me chomp down on a bowl of week-old chili, and he gets queasy when I cut the mold off the cheese. (Right before I shred some for the previously mentioned chili.)
I’m just like Homer Simpson with that Sandwich, in the episode, “Selma’s Choice,” He’d eat it until he was dead if Marge didn’t intervene. L4L is my Marge.
9. Re-runs of Designing Women.
This 1980’s hit situational comedy, Designing Women is back in re-runs, and I for one love them. I remember being memorized by Suzanne Sugarbaker and enjoying her every on-screen outfit as a child, but I didn’t get the humor.
Now I get the humor. And you know what? That shiz is still hilarious today. Oh sure, the politics are super liberal late 80’s-early 90’s, but it’s fun to remember an America who was grappling with “assault rifle laws.”
Of course, my idol and personal style icon, Suzanne Sugar Baker is where most of my laughs radiate, she was Karen Walker ten years prior and I love this b*tch!
8. The Disney Film, Sky High.
In 2005 the greatest Disney live-action superhero tween romantic comedy was released on the pop cultural scene. Since then, I have practically worn a hole in my Sky High DVD. I love this movie. I’m going to do a post JUST on the film (some other time, not now.)
Long Story short, the movie is Disney’s version of Harry Potter, right down to the Sorting ceremony. Except, because this is the white bread wonderful world of Disney, Fake Harry’s parents are ALIVE, and instead of Wizards, everyone’s superheroes. The movie is set at a special super hero highschool, called (you guessed it,) Sky High. Fake Draco and Fake Harry become best friends in the end. Fake Hermione and Fake Harry fall in love and all loose ends are tied up. The movie is perfection, right down to world-class Hottie Linda Carter as the School’s Principal aka Fake Dumbledore. Did I mention the soundtrack is made entirely of 1980’s classics remade by teenybopper bands? You need to give it a watch.
7. Howard Stern.
I’ve listened to Howard for years, and have no excuse for it. I’m not a fan of Howard alone, he’s too neurotic, but the amalgamation of zany, awkward and inappropriate characters, his show attracts keep me hooked. I’ve got to give it to ol’ Stern, he is the best in the biz when it comes to the celebrity interview. He’s a master at getting people to be real with him.
Howard’s going to be a judge on the latest season of America’s Got Talent, so for the first time ever, I’ll be watching that crap. Why? Because I know Howard will make it interesting. Screw the plate spinning, backlight dancers from Topeka, or whatever that show has on it, it’s Howard I’m tuning in for.
6. Dance Moms.
“The Learning Channel”(ROFL!) or TLC as folks in the know call it and the Lifetime Network, are Satan’s way of saying: “You deserve what comes your way, America.”
On these channels you have the
self-esteem snuff films programs Toddlers and Tiaras and my # 6 Guilty Pleasure, Dance Moms.
For those of you with class, distinction, standards and taste, I’ll fill you in on the essentials of the show. It all revolves around a young girl’s Elite Dance team and their mothers. The real star is Ms. Abby Lee Miller, a slave-driving, kid pimpin’ screaming demon of a glamazon.
Abby chills me to the bone, and her zaftig curves wrapped in rhinestones, leave me wishing it were Tuesday night at 8pm, every night.
5. Pickled Quail Eggs.
Take a hint from me, if you ever want people to look at you like you’re a toothless hillbilly, tell them you love pickled quail eggs. All social standing and memberships to exclusive clubs will be instantly voided as each person reacts with varied disgust and revulsion.
Pickled quail eggs may be backwoods caviar, but they are delightful. My baby bro insisted I try some and overnighted me a jar. I was dubious and leery of the pickled eggs just like those of you reading this with a shrinkled up nose. After much deliberation I took out an egg, cut it in half and spread each half on a cracker. I was amazed at the spicy, salty, and creamy, DELICIOUS quail egg. I’ve been a fan since.
Some people listen to “Jock Jams,” to pump up the energy, but me? I power up in life with the groovin’ tunes of the 1970’s Disco and Dance music. Gotta clean the house? Put on Sirius XM Studio 54, the classic Disco channel. All the Disco Divas, Sylvester and the 70’s Blaxploitation Film Soundtracks are my Anthems, I know them by heart.
3. Barry F*cking Manilow
Hot clothes, dreamy good looks and a silky smooth voice my Nana goes wild for? I’m definitely a Fanilow.
2. Trolling the internet for “Nude Sofia Vergara photos.”
One sweet day a scorned boyfriend or starving fashion photographer will make the world’s dreams come true. Someone will eventually leak a nude Sofia Vergara picture. Don’t worry grouchymuffin.com readers, I’ve got you covered. I scrape the bottom of the internet on a regular basis, and the MOMENT any naked pics of her surface, you’ll know! Until then, here’s the best I gots for “Nude Sofia Vergara.”
PS: Sofia’s hosting SNL this week. Real Talk: If they don’t make the show centered around her luscious melons, I’m going to cry.
One of the greatest guilty pleasures of working from home is getting to wear or not wear whatever the flip you want. Fun Fact: 73% of grouchymuffin material is written pantsless, it all makes sense now, doesn’t it?
Just this morning yours truly had to scramble and put on pants to talk with the Lawn guy. Even truer story, I’ve already shucked them.
There you have it Mad Dad, my top ten “I’m not guilty one bit for loving this” pleasures. Internet wolves and haters, have fun! Everyone else? I’m dying to know YOUR embarrassing delights! C’mon, Sharing is caring!