Check Out These Hose (Not What it Sounds Like!)

Slim Goodbody, I'd hit it.

One of the greatest things about being a man is, men aren’t forced to wear pantyhose in a business professional environment.

Before I was able to con the universe into letting me be a writer, yours truly was a successful business lady, living the life of a corporate ninja.

Unfortunately, when you’re deemed awesome enough to run things and you happen to have lady parts, there’s a 70% chance the company will require, “Professional Business Attire,” which means your azz is in pantyhose.

For men who have never had the pleasure of dressing in drag, pantyhose remain an illusive female torture device. Those men and women who have suffered through the teeth gnashing, crotch-itch causing, demon’s spiderwebs that are pantyhose, know that no one in their right mind would choose to wear them without being forced. (Except for hipsters and fashion slaves.)

Thanks to designer Emilio Cavallini men have a new line of “Brosiery” available to waste money on. Yes, brosiery is now a word. Let us pause to weep for humanity.

Anysausagecasings, Emilio has created fashion Pantyhose made for dudes.

You can Buy them here.

Cavallini’s mantyhose allow men to squeeze their hamhocks and jingly bits into the same weapons of mass unconformability that chicks have had to suffer for decades. Not only can men now also wear pantyhose, they can match their lady-love or Sassy Lady friend, whilst they do it.

Suitable for WERK!

I ain’t gonna judge, I’m down.

I mean sure, dudes doing the “Play-Doh Fun Factory” to extrude themselves into these won’t be nearly as sexy as when ladies do it. Ladies have loads of practice gracefully doing uncomfortable things.

Real Talk: You know your Monday is off to a great start when you’re mezmorized by an awkward bulge. Sorry, but the print/Ken Doll-like privates on this model are forcing my eyes to remain locked on his nether regions.

Brosiery is a real thing that now exists, and I’ve just spent the better part of an hour writing about it while gazing at a fancy lad’s candy drawer.

Yep, still livin’ the dream.



Check Out These Hose (Not What it Sounds Like!) — 4 Comments

  1. Funny enough, I know that a lot of construction workers have worn them (hose, not hoes) for years (under their jeans) to keep them warm in cold weather. Just very few admit it.

  2. Joe Namath modeled for a pantyhose ad back in the ’70’s. Apparently he wasn’t ready to admit it, but a lot of football players wear tights/hose under their uniforms for warmth. Of course, I doubt they will want to pay top dollar for fashion stockings that will “run” faster than they can!

  3. I’m a little nervous to bring a child into this world where this is an option….for the love of gravy…..I worry for this child!

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