Choke On This (Not What it Sounds Like!)

It's over, people.

China is laughing into their plum wine this morning, because they are truly superior to America in one area: having disgusting delicious donut flavors. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

Let me start with this: Did you know that American company, Dunkin’ Donuts has a strong presence in China? Well they do. And while the company being global doesn’t bother me in the least, it’s the BOGGARTING skills of Dunkin’ Donuts China that’s really ticking me off this fine morning.

Dunkin’ Donuts China has a new savory donut, say hello to the “Pork Floss Donut!”

Basically, it’s a glazed donut rolled in shredded, dried, pork.

You’d think Dunkin’ would roll this beauty out in America, the home of its company’s birth, but no…the US of A is nowhere on the Pork Floss Donut’s radar.

Before all you griping snitches start yelling at me about how disgusting this looks, let me just stop you right now: I completely agree, it looks awful. But I could have used this PORK donut, wanna know why?

I’d love to use it to shut up all the people in the world who won’t stop going on about bacon and various other pork-related delicacies. Several years ago the “Bacon Rules!” train started chugging down the track, and now…YEARS LATER people are still french-kissing bacon and trying to touch bacon’s privates in a sensual manner.

At least 43 times a day I hear someone utter the following about bacon…

“Oh Bacon! I LURVE IT! IT’S SO GOOD! I’m the only person in the world who understands just how glorious this ‘meat candy’ is! Me want baaaacon!”

Personally, I’d love to have a few cases of these pork floss donuts to shove in all their bacon holes. Give ’em something new yet still pork-related, to rave about.

But thanks to those commie-loving pinkos at Dunkin’ I’ll never have the chance. Bunch of jerks.

Oh well, at least I can drown my sorrows in the new TACO BELL DORITOS TACO that debuted yesterday, IN AMERICA!

Almost 6,000 US Taco Bell locations now sell the new taco…which is exactly what you think it is.

OK, 2012 might be a real thing.

Artisanal cheeses, crisp lettuce, and the finest of ground meats(?) all in a taco shell made from Nacho flavored Doritos (the Cool Ranch is debuting in the fall, not a joke.)

Real talk: My hiney is quivering at the thought of this new treasure. Sure, I’m just as intrigued as you are. The moment I can procure one, or 4, I will devour the Dorito Taco like a ravenous she-bear emerging from hibernation, but it won’t end well. It won’t end well for me…or you.

Fact: Thanks to this post, at least 84 of you will go and munch one of these Taco Bell Doritos torpedos Tacos today. Of you, 78 will be sweating on the sh*tter within hours of devouring it.

All I ask is when you’re lurching and cramping, miserable on a toilet with no lower to go, you think of me…and bacon nitwits.

The moral of the story is: Stop metaphorically humping on bacon. It’s not cute and or original. It’s like saying “Soapy, bouncing, bazooms are awesome!”

Yeah, we know. We DONE been knowin’ that.

Let bacon and other delicious pork products return to their rightful place in humanity: sitting on a breakfast plate throwing shade at the grapefruit across the table.

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