Welp, There Went My Lunch.

Yummy.

Hulk Hogan and Sex tape are two terms that should never, repeat, NEVER, go together. It’s like grape jelly and pubic hair clippings, the twain should never meet.

Well, because Satan is a sick snitch and your eyeballs haven’t been tortured enough by J.Lo as a judge on American Idol, he’s decided to conjure up and release the unthinkable.

Apparently, there’s a sex tape of the Hulkster that’s just popped up like a vein on his roided out arms.

(vomits into trashcan.)

The tape is said to have been shot (ew) post Hulk’s 2007 divorce from Janice from the Muppet Band Linda Hogan. It shows the lil hulkster (eww) and an unknown brunette, engaging in sexual acts (ewww.)

As if living in a world where Hulk Hogan and his wiener are out there for all to see, weren’t bad enough, Hulk doesn’t know or remember the ho. Hulk claims he was going through a “WILD phase” (ewwww) and all those sluts he “worked out with,” are a blur.

Hulk has since gone on to marry “Janice from the Muppet Band 2” and has put away his pepaw peen and raisins.

Mrs. Hulk Hogan

Real Talk: There are so many things wrong with this…

1. I’m writing about Hulk “Hulkster” Hogan.

Hulk sux. Rowdy Roddy Piper Rulez. I always root for the Villain. (Except for when Hulk went evil in the late 90’s that shiz was dumb.)

King o' the Ring!

2. Hulk, the founder of “Hulkamania,” has a graphic sex tape out there.

Take a beat up leather old-timey suitcase, throw a bucket of chicken grease on it and I think we’re on track to replicating it.

3. Enough women had sex with him in a short period of time that they all blended together.

Women of the world, RAISE YOUR STANDARDS. There’s no reason this ogga booga-ing hemorrhoid is rolling in the deep. (Ladies panties are the deep in this scenario.)

4. The woman was a brunette.

I’d like to apologize on behalf of all BEAUTIFUL brunette skanks out there, we usually are smarter than mugging down with a grunting slab of beef jerky, she was taught better than that.

Sadly, some of you creeps are going to troll the internet for hours looking for the alleged footage, and while I can’t stop you…I’d like to save you some time.

Simply go down to your local Zoo and take in the baboon exhibit. You’ll see essentially the same thing. Except, you won’t have the image of Hulk’s dumbbells burned into your brainmeat for an eternity.

That being said, if anyone knows where I can get a Rowdy Roddy Piper sex tape, shoot me a line (pun and it stays.)

Zing!

via  (Thanks Chris, for the Dollar photo!)


Comments

Welp, There Went My Lunch. — 8 Comments

  1. I think if you had a chance to bang Hulk Hogan, you do it. I would. Afterward, you can walk into any — ANY! — party and have the best story in the room.

    Friends and I were discussing it and there isn’t a woman alive that achieved any remote quantity of fame that we wouldn’t flop on top of. The person in question at the time: Elvira. YOU JUST HAVE TO!

    Also, this post is 25 percent better with an Ultimate Warrior pic/reference. I felt he was far more Hogan’s enemy outside of maybe Andre the Giant, which no one actually hated.

    And why do you think they called him Jake the Snake?

    • ROFL on the Jake the Snake Roberts joke. I’d hit Elvira 6 ways to sunday! TODAY or in her PRIME Pee Wee’s Big Adventure performance: “I say you let me have him first!”

      I’d hit a turkey leg with enough gin in my bloodstream, so yes, I suppose I would. But I usually don’t hump on the evil walrus from alice and wonderland.

  2. What about hacksaw Jim Dugan? He’s sporting wood!

    And Sgt Slaughter against the Sheik, they wrestled in the closet.

  3. I’m bothered that my dear, sweet, husband thinks this is normal behavior from the Hulkster. He says wrestlers are like porn stars….I beg to differ. The Von Erich’s of my day would NEVER…..I say NEVER sleep with skanks and only made love as Fritz taught them to.

    This is just a sad trend to see with people here lately. Why does the deed need to be filmed?

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