Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.
Pretty in Pinot won last week’s round of Caption This. For those of you new to our clap-trap hobo parlor of a website, the prize was she could give me a topic, that I would then whittle into a hilarious post just for her. This is that post.
The always witty, whip-smart snarkster that she is, Pretty in Pinot shot me an email proving once again, that brevity is a virtue. Her email said only the following:
“Topic: Ron f*cking Swanson.”
You got it, Pretty in Pinot!
Post on Request: Ron F*cking Swanson
"Duke Silver" with a golden gun.
If you aren’t watching NBC’s Parks and Recreation, you’re broken on the inside.
By skipping Parks and Recreation, you’re denying yourself access to the greatest fictional male specimen in the history of television. Of course, I’m talking about Ronald Ulysses Swanson aka Ron Swanson.
Swanson is the Parks director in Pawnee, Indiana… but if you ask me, he’s the picture of a perfect man. Played by the dead panned and brilliant Nick Offerman, Ron Swanson is a meat loving, government hating, moustached genius, who also happens to be Jazz Saxophone great Duke Silver (Shhhh, It’s a secret!)
At first, I was going to write a long, flowery love letter to Ron Swanson, fictional local government and do-nothing hero, but instead? I’ve decided to do something far more glorious…I’ve written a Poem.
A Poem Written By The Crib Keeper
O Swanson! my Swanson! our tearful hearts are won.
Your lip is feathered in glory. Your ‘stache shines like the sun.
The foods you graze, only bacon and steak, are not just a phase, but a lifetime choice.
To the strong silent, small-talk hating, local bureaucrats you give a voice.
Alas Beware! Beware my well-groomed bear!
For evil Tammy waits in her lair. Ready to pounce and lustily remove your threads. But before it’s all over, on your head will be dreads.
Thanks to the internet, even smartsters who love to brag that they “don’t own a TV,” are able to drink in the Swanson
beef goodness broth. I’ve decided to include just a few of my favorite Ron Swanson moments. EDUCATE YO MINDS!!!!!
The king of all Legos.
And one last treat for all my fellow Swansonites…perhaps the greatest GIF EVER!!!! You’re welcome.