WHAT!? Speak up, I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Toughest coach in the whisper pimp game.

Virgin Atlantic is an airline that obviously has more money than they know what to do with, either that or the person in charge of training is insane.

The airline is currently developing an Upper Class Dream Suite that will debut in May on Flights from NYC to London for the modest price of 5G’s per roundtrip ticket. The company has spent millions on developing the Upper Class Dream Suite and because the arm and leg that’s gone into it wasn’t enough, they’ve appointed, Richard Fitzgerald “Whisper Coach.”

What’s the purpose of a Whisper Coach? To make sure the staff dealing in the Upper Class Dream Suite speak to the rich a-holes customers in the proper decibel range. How does Richard know what’s proper decibel range? Well, according to their blog, they researched it. 

“Trialled with several focus groups and test-flights, and formulated with input from speech experts, the appropriate level of volume has been identified and the crew are now trained to whisper at tones between twenty and thirty decibels due to its calming effect and the fact that it won’t disturb other passengers whilst lights are out.”

Rich story poor: These tricks are making a Super-Terrific Sleepy Fun time express class…or whatever it’s called, and training the crew how to be real quiet like and low-talk.

Flying Fart Factory

I hate to break it to these moneywasters, but this new Elite Class Dream Suite is made for 2 things while traveling: 1. Relaxing and 2. Sleeping.

You know what people do when they relax and or sleep? They let it all hang out, they really let go…I’m talking about farting, people.

Virgin Atlantic: You can train your high-end hosts and hostesses to speak quietly as to not disturb others all you want, but you’ll never be able to train people’s farts to be in the same decibel level.

Real Talk: If I’m ever flying in this colossal waste of money class, I can guarantee you I’m going to sleep, even if it’s just for a nap. Once I’m asleep there’s a 99% chance I’m gonna blow hot gas. Not dainty ones either, I’m talking  wake you in the middle of the night, window shakers.

So go ahead and make Richard Fitzgerald smell people’s stank breath all day while he inspects and improves whisper volume, but you’re wasting your time and HIS.

Richard Fitzgerald, I’m in the need of your services. Please contact me about a position at Angry Baby Manor, no…not for my screaming Angry little cutie, for me.

I’m a world-famous, or shall I say…infamous, loud-talker. Believe me when I say, my natural volume is that of a booming stage yell. My whisper is what many would call, “normal talking,” and my excited exclamations can be heard from the curb. What I’m trying to say is: “I’m LOUD, Y’all!”

Richard, I’m sure they are paying you a mighty king’s ransom to waste your honed hearing on people with money to burn, but as a “coach,” I know you aren’t into the cash, you’re in it for the love of the game, the whisper coaching game. At least, that’s what every sports movie I’ve ever seen has taught me.

Dick, (I hope it’s ok that I call you that,)I urge you to come and work for me, sure I have vampire slaying breath due to a borderline obsession with eating roasted garlic, and my previously mentioned “window shaking,” talents,” but what I lack in monetary compensation I make up for in fart heart.

Let’s get whispering, Dick! Call me- my number is on the wall in many of your fine aircraft’s restrooms.

 In honor of this dubious achievement in whizzing away money through whispering, enjoy the musical stylings of the Ying Yang Twins. I’ve put the clean edit of this song up because the uncut version is dirty.

Hilarious and dirty. Matter of fact, it’s so unintentionally funny, it’s worth a listen. The following is the CLEAN version, but you can use your imagination.

Let’s just say my future coach, Dick Fitzgerald’s first name is checked all over the song!

via and via


Comments

WHAT!? Speak up, I CAN’T HEAR YOU! — 3 Comments

  1. “I’m talking about farting, people.”

    Why New York Magazine hasn’t scooped you up, I’ll never know.

    We, as humans, do need to get a grip on flatuence.
    By the way, do the comments have spellcheck because it’s underlined “flatuence” and yet I don’t see a button to fix it. Confused …

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