JK Rowling’s Plastic Ono Band

And now for something completely different.

JK Rowling, the former street urchin turned successful Author is hitting the ho stroll once again returning to the world of writing. She’s just signed to publish her first adult novel through publisher, Little Brown.

The ginger Goddess of spinning words into gold, previously did all the American printings of her Harry Potter books through the publishing house, Scholastic. New publisher means, she’s distancing herself from Harry completely. At least for this new ADULT book, she is. Details are coming later in the year, but I’ve already got PLENTY to say.

Listen lady, you brought Harry Potter to life and he is the hero of  lonely adults, fat virgins and children around the globe. I understand you are a CREATIVE ARTIST, who can’t be boxed in by your demanding fans, no matter how devout they are, or how many stacks of cash they’ve slipped you over the years…you’ve gotta be your own rainbow. Whatever is clever, write your little book, have jerks like yours truly rip it apart, in my mighty Megalodon jaws. Go for it.

Bring it in for the real thing.

Feel free to waste your time, and ours Ms. Moneybags. It’s not like the #1 fans of your Harry Potter series (AKA kids,) are going anywhere. Think of it this way, in 10 years, when you finally give it all up and decide to write Saved By Harry P: The College Years, all the children that are fans now will be a whole new crop of adult weirdos that dress up and shiz. Oh don’t worry Harry Potter dorks, I’m one of you.

I have a Slytherin Banner hanging in my office, with a Slytherin Coffee mug that I am sipping out of as I write this, while wearing an actual Death Eater ring. Fun Fact: when I was pregnant, Lover fo’ Life put his foot down and REFUSED to let me name Angry Baby “Bellatrix.” To say I’m pathetic, is an understatement.

Severus Snape, forever in our hearts.

But it’s that very pathetic-ness that makes me someone who is able to hopefully talk some sense into this crazy as hail woman. JK, from writer to writer, I want to tell you something, woman to woman.

I’ve got a title concept for your new upcoming novel, my scribing sister… It’s called, “Harry Potter and Get the F*ck Back to work writing, Harry Potter novels.”

Sure, go chase your creative rainbows in greener pastures. But first, let’s get another hit of that sweet, sweet Potter. After the next new Harry Potter book, I’ll be more than willing to read through a terrible novel while you figure out where your bread is buttered.

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JK Rowling’s Plastic Ono Band — 3 Comments

  1. I always thought one of the better SNL HP bits was the “Welcome Back, Potter” when Harry goes back to Hogwarts except it’s not full of cut-ups and in bad neighborhood.

    I agree with the words above and how they were arranged to form sentences and paragraphs. I guess I don’t understand it because more than likely her new junk will be hammered critically by fans or whoever, whether she was the chick behind HP or not. The difference between her and every other writer is that SHE DOESN’T NEED the BS. Why put yourself through that? (And, yes, don’t give me how you’re an artist and all that.)

    I would have probably published her books under a non de plume. Or wouldn’t it be cool to have a sort of pre-history HP? Well, not “cool” but interesting. LIke a first person narrative from the Ravenclaw witch hundreds of years before HP? Who’s with me!? Expecto patronum!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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