Williams Sonoma is a high-end kitchen ware and purveyor of fine cooking supplies. It’s the place where you can purchase 20.00 hot chocolate mix and the 20.00 hot chocolate mug to accompany it. Tons of fancy lads and rich ladies lurve to shop at this place when I’m on the premises. Maybe it’s because the universe requires a counter to my cheap ways, but every time I’m picking through the exotic salts from around the globe, inevitably someone comes in to Williams Sonoma and spends 3K on a table setting for some random dinner party.
I’ll never forget the time I was buying $15.00 Pumpkin Scone Mix at my local Williams-Sonoma, when a woman who looked just like Ina Garten came up to me. She was the twin of the domestic aristocrat, right down to the 3/4 sleeve Oxford.
“You know, I tried that mix with the Autumn leave pattern bread pan ($40.00) last week, it was divine.”
Just as I was about to tell Texan Ina Garten I was a huge fan of “The Barefoot Contessa,” a friendly store employee came to chat her up.
”Oh I’m glad you’re here, Ina’s doing a signing at the Dallas Williams and Sonoma, and I knew you’d want to know!”
Without skipping a beat, formerly thought by me to be Ina G. screeched out an excited response: “WOW! I Can’t wait to meet her! I’ll book my flight tonight, when is it?”
“Perfect, I have time to cook all of the recipes in her new book before then!”
And in an instant, the woman who I mistook for the wealthy hero of mine, Ina Garten, showed her true identity, Crazy Person.
Dressing like your idol? Ok, I’m not completely down with it, but I can let it slide. Heck, I’ll even let the fact that the woman at the high-end kitchen accessory boutique knows you on a first name basis. But insisting you cook ALL the recipes in a cookbook before you fly out to specifically stand in line at another location of the very same high-end kitchen accessory place, well…it’s where I draw the line. This snitch was obviously bonkers. A fanatic, as we call them in the “biz.”
Much to my sorrow, she went back to discussing my scones mix and the $40.00 pan that she was selling me hard. I couldn’t focus on a word she was saying, I just saw a nut ball covered in a thick layer of insanity before me. I did what anyone would do, the number one thing a person does to defend themselves when in the presence of a chatty, insane snob, I let one rip.
What I’m trying to say is I farted. Sadly, it was silent. But as the stench wafted across fake Ina Garten’s face, I knew she would not be bothering me, or anyone else in the store. She promptly excused herself and left.
That my friends, is a typical Willams-Sonoma outting for yours truly. Currently, the store has an “online only” product that is quite possibly the most incredible thing ever created.
Here’s how the hoity toity website describes this EXACTLY WHAT YOU THINK IT IS confection:
The fulfillment of many a child’s confectionary fantasy, this moist, intensely chocolate cake is layered with house-made peanut-butter filling and wrapped in a tender shell of rich dark chocolate. It’s the creation of Perfect Endings in California’s Napa Valley, whose extraordinary handcrafted desserts combine unmatched artistry with exceptional flavor.
The beautiful creation of modern culinary artists has the following specs…
- Two layers of chocolate cake sandwich peanut-butter filling.
- Encased in a shell of dark confectioners’ chocolate.
- Carefully selected ingredients include smooth Belgian chocolate, French artisan butter and fresh dairy cream.
- Hand made for us by Perfect Endings in California’s Napa Valley.
There’s only one problem with this massive, serves 10(!) GIANT peanut butter cup cake, it costs $79.99
Real Talk: I had already said a silent goodbye to my favorite articles of clothing, fully willing to sacrifice a jean size or 3 to this incredible treat of epic proportions. But the second I found out that Fancy-McOverpriced was selling the desserts for 80 dollars? I quit that snitch.
For 80 bucks I can buy a mountain of REAL Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, invite a gaggle of co-eds over and have a peanut butter cup gorge-fest/ pillow fite. And you know what? We’d still have plenty leftover peanut butter cups to shame eat the morning after!
Citizens of earth, particularly those that have access to my musings and humorous stylings of foolery: WE NEED TO MAKE A COPYCAT of this! A Big-Azzed fake, dollar-store version. I say it must cost NO MORE than 20 bucks to make, surely someone out there can do this!
I promise, he or she that gets me successful copy of this recipe that DOESN’T cost $79.95, will be forever lauded and celebrated on this clap-trap hobo parlor.
Now, creative chefs, GET COOKING!