Seize the Death

Death waits for you, and that’s final.

How’s that for an opening line, pretty bleak, huh?

I never really considered or cared about my mortality until Angry Baby came into the picture. Yeah, I knew Death and Taxes were certain, but it never weighed heavily on me. Before Angry Baby, the concept of death seemed simple, “do some stuff and then after (what I hope to be) a long and fruitful life, peace out of this life.” No muss, no fuss, dust in the wind style.

Unfortunately I’ve discovered with parenting the next generation, comes a harsh truth, the natural order of living means part of her life will be spent without me. Why? Because I’ll be dead.

When I first grasped this sobering fact, it really bummed me out. And while I didn’t fixate on it, I much prefer having laffs and fun to be a moping dweller, the dread, fear and worry about death would seep its way into my thoughts at various, unwelcome times. So I decided to do something about it.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I have a sure-fire way to eradicating any unwanted fears you might have about your impending doom death, it’s a little strategy I like to call, “Dream Death.” Allow me to explain.

A single person has various dreams: dream lover, dream house, dream job, dream vacation, whatever it is, there are certain milestones in our lives that we look forward to. To attain a dream or goal, one must: plan in extensive detail, daydream about it, research, and prepare for reaching said dream. My “Dream Death” strategy simply asks you to add death to that long list of things you dream of. My program consists of two SIMPLE steps.

STEP #1:  Decide on your Dream Death™ scenario. NOTE: Dying in your sleep is not a “dream death” option.

STEP # 2  Live the rest of your life taking steps to ensure your dream death becomes a reality. This step is meant to last forever AKA as long as you live.

And just like that, you’re able to shed those yucky mortality concerns and SEIZE THE DEATH!!!!!!

Did you hear the one about the kind old woman you fell asleep and peacefully passed on while she snoozed? Chances are a ton of you out there want to go that way too. Heck, dying peacefully in my sleep is my #2 dream death scenario! Why would such a relaxing, non-terrifying way of leaving the planet, ONLY be #2 on my list? Because you can’t focus on planning a peaceful sleep death. Sleep death is the best we all can hope for. Even Kenny Roger’s famous song, “The Gambler,” reminds us of that very truth. So, since we can’t plan for a gift like going during Zzzz’s time, it’s off the table, for me…and for YOU. You’ll always be able to quietly wish for #2 the sleep death scenario, you just can’t plan for them.

To help give you an idea of an acceptable dream death, I’ll share my personal one…My dream death is very elaborate and requires many things fall into place over the next 80-120 years.

I have told you time and time again of my love for the Megalodon shark, AKA the Lord of the Deep, the king of the Apex predators. I’ve also shared that a bunch of mad scientists claim the Megalodon has been extinct for millions of years, despite claims of sightings from many different nut-jobs credible sources.

The fact is, I know in my heart and very being that the Megalodon exists and I am so confident that I will help prove it lurks below DURING my lifetime, that I have incorporated the Megalodon  into my very own, DREAM DEATH SCENARIO.

Comin' Attcha!

After a long and incredible presence on this earth, one that included discovering, catching and harnessing the power of the ancient powerful sea beast, for my own nefarious purposes, I will be left withered and terminal by exceedingly OLD age. I imagine in the FUTURE(!) we’ll be living to at least 120, if not 140, years. By the time I’m in my late 120’s, I assume all of my years of no-goodery and booze will catch up to me. After all the medical advances my evil mountain of cash will provide, I will eventually reach a point where, even science and my team of personal body mechanics and plastic surgeons will no longer be able to fix me, it will be my time.

I’ll wander out one evening, to visit my beloved pet Megalodon, in his ocean holding bin, complete with bleachers and fully stocked concession stand. You see, years ago, I will have duped the US military into helping me procure and house my very own Megalodon.

I will hobble out in a night-dress made of sea-lion, wearing a bathrobe soaked in chum, and greet my death in the gaping maw, both feet first.

Down the hatch!

As the beast that I helped recover and restore to its rightful place on the food chain begins to chomp my being in its massive jaws, I will embrace the inky black death of my dreams and become one with Megalodon at last.

Thus concludes my dream death scenario.

As you can see, you have a LOT of dreaming to do if you’re going to have a death on par with mine, GET THINKING!

You’ll find once you start thinking about and planning your “Dream Death,” the fact that dying awaits you, ceases to be as worrisome. Stop fearing the inevitable and start planning a dream deathtinastion!!!!

I’ll leave you with an interesting fact about Haley’s Comet and noted American author, Mark Twain.

Twain is quoted as saying the following:

“I came in with Haley’s comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don’t go out with Haley’s comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: ‘Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.”

He died on 21 April 1910, the day following the comet’s return.

EVEN MARK TWAIN had a “dream death!” So what are you waiting for, start planning and get LIVING!!!!

Let's do this!


Seize the Death — 3 Comments

  1. You must be some kind of talented. I’m actually having fun thinking up a dream death! Figuring out how to incorporate baby seals AND Peter Gallagher’s eyebrows is gonna be tricky.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *