The only novelty football song that worked. Ever.

We are but mere days away until next Sunday evening, when the WORLD will tune in for the SINGLE-HANDED MOST IMPORTANT TELEVISED EVENT OF THE COMPETITIVE YEAR!

I’ve got all of my Buffalo Chicken Cupcakes ready to go, and I’ve covered my entire person in spirit paint. I’m gonna cheer, scream, laugh, cry and watch a WHOLE lot of commercials.

Yes, these exist.

Of course the event I’m referring to, the televised competition that MILLIONS of Americans are JUST WAITING for is… the Super Bowl THE RETURN OF NBC’s THE VOICE! (Immediately AFTER the Super(?) Bowl)

You can crop the other 3 out for all I care!

That’s right, after what seemed like an eternity, my BELOVED Cee Lo Green is returning to PRIME TIME!!! Last season, I watched and eye-rolled through the competition just to watch the perfect specimen of manhood in action.

I can’t WAIT to see who will dazzle us this season, and while I’m not looking forward to the boring tall dude (Blake Shelton) the boring douche (Adam Levine) and the hot mess express that is Snookizilla Christina Aguillera’s singing these days, I will suffer it ALL for CEE LO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shine on!

Listen, I understand some of you people out there are really excited to watch Tom Brady and Eli Manning makeout agressively wrestle each other for a shiny diamond ring this coming Sunday, thus dubbing it Super Bowl Sunday. For YOU, I’ve got some of my favorite Professional Football rally songs for teams that went on to blow it. Through laughing at failure and the starry-eyed wishes of fans, we ALL can finally agree on something: These songs were TERRIBLE!!

Pray for an end to these homegrown horrors!

First up it’s TEBOW TIME! (Guess Jesus is watching the Super Bowl from home, because His team blew it.)

Who could forget the classic, “Here Comes the Niners…” Know what? They didn’t strike gold either.

Why, even the Texans were able to incite an aural aneurism rapper created anthem. Obviously these dudes are showing off their Harvard educations.

And finally, I would be doing you all a disservice If we didn’t take some time to stop and chuckle at a “hype video” for a team that also choked, The Baltimore Ravens!

So this Sunday, while you’re watching commercials starring worse for the wear looking actors, er,  the Super Bowl…remember all the 3rd rate rappers and horrible film editing you-tubers that worked so hard on something so worthless. By laughing at losers, we all become winners!

To futility! To televised vocal competitions! To the Super(?) Bowl! And most importantly, TO CEE LO!!!!!!!!!!

YES!!!!!!