This post was originally titled: “Wheel of Hate.” It was going to be all about how Wheel of Fortune’s Pat Sajak and Vanna White hate each other culminating in my findings from a special 4 month-long internet quest to find proof that Pat and Vanna wish the other would land on “lose a turn” in life. It was going to be hilarious.
Then I woke up today to find my inbox crammed with messages from you
drunk nutjobs winning winners, explaining that in an interview with Dan Le Batard of “Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable,” Pat Sajak admitted to hosting Wheel of Fortune drunk (he also added that Vanna was right there with him.)
Why is this a big deal at grouchymuffin? Because we already came to the conclusion he hosted the show drunk
years ago in a post we ran on Labor Day 2011 titled: Labor Day Salute to Pat Sajak, the Working Man’s Alex Trebek.
I’m a freaking soothsayer, a wise sage and YOU need to go back in time so you can read my original post. Strike that…thanks to the magical internets, you don’t NEED a time machine, you can read it here!
And now I present: the most charismatic Keebler Elf admitting to
drinking a thimblefull of elderberry wine hosting “the Wheel” drunk as a skunk…(skip to the 1:07 mark if you don’t want to watch the WHOLE TREASURED INTERVIEW!)
Pat, I think I’ve proven that I’ve got my finger on the pulse of WHEEL OF FORTUNE REVELATIONS, so I’ll cut to the chase, you and I both know you’re not telling the whole truth. Sajak, you need to come clean, What I’m getting at is simple, you still host Wheel of Fortune drunk…aka boozed out of your gourd.
I love how Pat THROWS Vanna under the bus with him as an afterthought. He’s like “HEY, she did it too!” Of course, he’s lying in an attempt to drag Vanna into his miserable shame spiral of booze, dipwads and speed rounds.
Only Vanna ain’t having it, she’s obviously never touched the booze in her nubile, chaste, beautifully appointed, life. Look at her! This snitch is old enough to be my Mother and yet looks like
she just stepped off the set of Dynasty a beautiful sculpture.
I know exactly how things work at “Wheel of Fortune Corporate Office,” allow me to spell it out for you…
Vanna is the goody-two shoes employee who everyone calls a “brown-noser,” but she’s simply a positive, unjaded, go-getter whose soul hasn’t yet been chewed on by the day-to-day grind of being bored. Vanna makes cupcakes for the office on Fridays, she remembers everyone’s birthday, kid’s names and food allergies. Call in sick? Not Vanna! Matter of fact, she’ll donate her sick days to you because when you’re THAT fresh, beautiful and positive, you repel disease and pestilence.
It makes sense that Pat would want to sully her reputation by implying the two of them engaged in some scandalous slinging of MARGARITAS in a mysterious Cantina of 1980′s yore. Afterall, Pat is the grizzled old veteran salesman in the office. He knows how to grease the WHEELS and make the deals, but the thrill of the kill has left him. Pat is the burned-out angry dude who would retire…but retirement would mean he had to spend more time with his wife, the only thing he hates more than the office. Mr. Grumble Gus never has anything positive to say, is always out on a
jack and coke smoke break, and tears down the motivational posters Cheryl from Accounting pins on his cube wall. He hates Vanna’s perky exuberance with a deep conviction none of us will ever fathom.
The time to come clean is now Sajak, you still drink a mini-bar bottle of Bacardi* before you go on. My prediction? You let the world know you’re drunk on the wheel and your ratings will go through the roof! I’m talking 1980′s “I’m a wheel watcher,” golden days of wheel ratings! The truth shall set you free. No, not free of the day-job that has consistently beat the “want to live” out of you for almost 30 years (while America watches and applauds,) you can never be free of the WHEEL.
SO here’s to you Mr. Pat Sajak, toiling away at a gig you hate and drinking the pain away while you use thinly veiled sarcasm to beat back the idiots. Celebrities, just like us!!!
This just in! A MYSTERY CLIP SHOWING PAT CHUGGING ON A BOTTLE!!!!!!!!!!!
*Sure, a mini-bar bottle seems like nothing to old seasoned, average-sized boozehounds like you and me, but to Sajak, the elvish man-child with a heart full of tar, that’s the equivalent of a human-sized fifth.