Hello there, I didn’t see you come in! You’ll have to excuse me, I’m getting settled into my new cubical here at ROCK BOTTOM. Today, my senses were violated in every way possible, and I’ve hit my all time limit for ick. Don’t worry, I’ll tell you all of the gory, hideous details…it’s just, you shouldn’t be eating while you read this.
Never one to enjoy her changings, Angry Baby has decided to peace out of this whole diaper business. No, I’m not yet potty training my 15 month old kid, nor do I have any plans to start until she’s a few months older…but Angry Baby didn’t get the memo. Lately, after she elliminates in her diaper, she removes it. Used to be she would seek me out and pull on her diaper, signaling she needed a change. Now? These days, I find her naked dinner roll buns parading around my house more often than I would like to admit.
The discarded diaper is always the same: thown wherever Angry Baby happened to be the moment she was done taking care of business. Fortunately, I’m on top of her shenanigans and instantly clean up any collateral damage. As a strategy of dealing with her newfound skills, I’m quick on my feet and have beat her to the changing punch the last 3 days every single time. How? Constant vigilance.
This morning, I decided to make a run for the bathroom while Angry Baby was happily watching her beloved Murray on Sesame Street. Unknowingly, I made two mistakes that lead me to witness the most vile sight I’ve ever seen…
1. I gave Angry Baby Prune Juice yesterday (she’d been a lil’ constipated.)
2. I forgot to check her diaper before I ran off for my quick whiz.
I returned moments later, to find Angry Baby standing and laughing at Sesame Street, with her diaper looking heavy. She then turned from the television and faced me.
“Angry Baby, what did you get into? Is that some old banana or oat meal? Come here, let me clean your mouth.”
She walked over to me, and as I began wiping the schmutz off of her face, I began to register what had happened during those precious 90 seconds away when I selfishly peed and washed my hands.
“Angry Baby, is that sh*t on your chin!? ”
Never in my life have I wanted to be more mistaken and WRONG. I took a whiff and confirmed my suspicions. While I was away, she decided to sample the goods. And by goods, I mean her poop. Angry Baby put her hand in her diaper, pulled out a samplin’, and cemented her history as the grossest person I ever will know.
I gotta hand it to you kid, you’ve out grossed me, and I once walked barefoot into a gas station restroom! I know that the road ahead of me is filled with various parenting yuck-outs and hideous stunts, but I’m fairly confident, she will never again be able to
bottom top this one.
Real Talk: All I want to do is tell a million poop jokes and or insert a bunch of shi**y puns…but I can’t. I’m scarred, shaken, horrified, and contemplating a life without ever eating again.
Angry Baby is a “diaper genie,” she can make diapers disappear from her butt cheeks, and she can also pull
snacks surprises out of them.
Oh lerd, I just dry-heaved writing that line, I can only imagine the hate mail this gross-post is gonna get. Oh well, if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: MY SITE, MY RULES, FREEDOM OF SPEECH!!!!!!
And because I’m such a giver, here’s a palate cleanser, for all of you reeling from this yuck-a-thon account: I DARE YOU NOT TO FALL IN LOVE!!!!!!