Yesterday, millions of people caught a falling star (on television.) Of course I’m talking about when Steven Tyler came out and “sang” the national anthem at the NFL NFC Championship Game.
Pepaw needs to put down the Werther’s, reapply his lip gloss and try again, because that shiz was horrible. Take a look-see at the video below and we’ll reconvene afterwards.
1. He needs to stick to what he’s best at: tying scarves around microphone stands. Speaking of scarves, how did he get my Nana’s BEDAZZLED scarf, I could have sworn she was buried with it!?
2. Take note at the 2:02 mark: pretty sure Tom Brady is praying that the massive bomber will take him out.
3. This is heartbreaking. It’s made even sadder by the fact that his original recording of “Dream On,” is one of the most BEAUTIFUL performances in rock. Don’t believe me? Let the HONEY of past vocal beauty pour over your ears.
See what I mean? His voice used to be incredible, and now? Now he sounds like the a rabid chipmunk humping on a skillsaw.
Joe Perry is having a great Monday Morning. After he laffed his bony azz off watching Tyler’s vocal foolery yesterday, this morning Joe gets to witness all of the HYENAS (such as myself) tearing Memaw Tyler’s performance apart, Perry is savoring joke by hack joke.
It speaks volumes that when I went on youtube and typed “Steven“…”Steven Tyler National Anthem 2012,” immediately popped up. The world feels me on this, errbody is watching this train wreck today, shaking their heads and wishing he would “Walk This Way,” to the nearest vocal coach, so homegurl can learn proper singing.
I think we all know what caused Steven’s vocal chords to corrode and turn to asphalt dust…
decades of drug and alcohol abuse mixed with screaming for 40 years WORKING NEXT TO J.LO!
That’s right, J.Lo caused this horrible loss of talent (just as she’s to blame for 99% of all bad things on Earth.)
Evil boy king Ryan Seacrest, American Idol, your work here is done. A rock icon is now identical to the crazy lady at a grocery store who insists on telling you all about her 23 cats while you wait in line to buy tampons cool stuff. Actually, strike that. Crazy cat lady has a much better singing voice.
I think I speak for everyone when I say: Steven, shut your bedazzled, drunk, caterwauling self up. You need to preserve what little cool points you still have, not to mention the legacy of such classical pieces of art as, “Love in an Elevator,” “Dude looks like a Lady,” and Alicia Silverstone.