Survival Mode

Angry Baby’s great-granny is taking this whole 2012 thing seriously. I’d write all about what a crack-pot she was if she wasn’t in my family, but seeing as she is, we’ll just call her eccentric.

She’s addicted to the APOCALYPSE shows on History(?!) Channel and the history channel’s sluttier sister, the Discovery Channel. These SENSATIONALIZED docu-jokes have her convinced the Aliens carved the Pyramids out of Crystal Skulls, (or some crap like that.) Chaos, terror and heartache await us in the end times, which according to Granny, begin in mere months.

Christmas morning, she told of impending solar flares and warned we’d experience electronic complications “WORSE(!) than Y2K.” I didn’t have the heart to tell her nothing came of the big Y2K scare.

I laughed her fear-mongering off as delightful, and cracked a joke about the Mayan Calendar, the family moved on.

Yesterday, while having lunch with my Mother in Law, she informed us that her mother (Angry Baby’s Great-Granny,) was putting aside money each month to stock up on food and supplies for the catastrophic whatever happens at the end of 2012. Great-Granny is asking that my mother in law do the same.

We discussed the validity (none) of her concerns which lead to a conversation that lasted for the remainder of our lunch. As a group we discussed logistics and planned our retreat to the ranch ,which in case of emergency will serve as an all-out family compound. During the course of our strategizing we all agreed in the end, knowledge is power.

My mother in law, expressed a desire for books about varied skills Americans have forgotten as we’ve been domesticated by modern society. Lover fo’ Life, without missing a beat replied, “I’ve got a ton of skill/ survival books and pamphlets. They’re digital scans, but I imagine we can print and bind them all.”

From animal trapping to building a windmill, we’ve got the knowledge base at our fingertips, now all we need to do is utilize it. Which brings me to the purpose of my long-winded recount of our nutty impromptu survivalist planning lunch…

 I’ve decided to learn a skill, a real skill needed in the event we’re knocked back into the stone age.

I’m 99% sure the world is gonna keep turning and the END TIMES are not upon us. But I’d be lying if I said our current state of EVERYTHING didn’t have me a little spooked for the future. No, I’m not talking paranoid, I’m simply aware that things are changing rapidly.

So, instead of buying hundreds of dollars in purified water and military rations, I’m channeling the current 2012 doomsday MANIA into actually doing something productive. I’m going to learn how to can. Yours truly is going to rock the BALLS. (That’s a brand of canning jar, you PERVERTS!)

I'm going to be the queen of Ball's (not what it sounds like!)

I’ve been reading vintage canning texts and looking up recipes. I’m gonna try my hand at the canned!

And now my beautiful babies, a challenge to YOU. Why don’t you learn a long-forgotten crucial skill. Be it tying knots in rope, how to build a campfire (the correct way) or fishing (cleaning the fish and all.) Whatever the old-timey skill, get out there and learn it!

Feel free to issue the SAME challenge to all of your conspiracy theorist friends and family who are convinced we are on the verge of 2012 end times CHAOS. Look at it THIS way, if every time your friend/family member starts in with the paranoid mumbo jumbo, you suggest they learn a skill and or grill them about the PROACTIVE steps they are taking…the fools are much more likely to shut up.

Should you accept my challenge to EDUCATE yourself, you’ll be rewarded with confidence, a cool trick and TONS of Hotties knocking on your loincloth come post-apocalyptic times.

YOU CAN-DO IT!!!!!!!!!!! Get out there and let the old days DROP SOME KNOWLEDGE ON YOU!

What say you? Who here is going to tackle the stress of the modern world by learning some oft-forgotten skill? I’m all ears! And PLEASE keep me posted on what you decided to learn/ your progress. I care because I CAN. (crowd groans.)


Survival Mode — 3 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *