Post on Request: A Baby Rap Primer.

Reader Tori won our latest Caption This contest, as with all cycles of the contest, the prize is simple…she was allowed to request ANY topic that I would write about in a prize Post on Request. This morning, she wrote me the following…

“Topic of choice? How about Best Rap Music For Babies? Personally, I like to ensure my kid is 100% gangster by the time he enters school :)”

Never one to disappoint my readers, I’ve obliged and now present to you a


Street Cred. We all want it, but what about innocent, never done anything hardcore, lazy little babies? Between learning to control their bodies and communicating with the world, they have their hands full. So, I’ve decided to take the guesswork out of navigating the waters of Rap and Hip-Hop culture, and I’ve compiled a list of essential Rap Tracks your baby needs to be the illest and chillest.

Tupac Shakur, “All Eyes on Me”


Because let’s face it, all eyes ARE on baby!

RIP Tupac (and for all of you conspiracy theorists, TUPAC LIVES! )


Old Dirty Bastard, “Shimmy Shimmy Ya”

Because babies like it raaaaw! (it doesn’t get any raw-er than sh*ting yourself at least once a day.)



Kelis, “Bossy”

Cruella DeVil, THIS is how you do it!

Babies are bossy and must learn it is YOU that are the boss. Either way, this is an essential track.


Ice Cube, “Back into it”

Bow Clown.

Take Away: to succeed in life all you have to do is “put your back into it,” aka work hard and wiggle your hiney the skankiest at the club.

Snoop Doggy Dog, “Dogg eat Dogg World”

I have no idea what's going on.

Fun Fact: This is my all-time favorite Snoop track, and the video!? PEFECTION!!!

RIP Fred Barry (AKA Rerun from What’s Happening!)


The Beastie Boys, “Body Movin'”


Honestly, these 3 MCs and 1 DJ should be a STAPLE in your baby’s steady rap diet. BABY NEEDS TO KNOW THE WHOLE CATALOG! <—no exceptions.


D4L “Laffy Taffy”

Banana, the KING of Laffy Taffy flavors!

Something tells me they aren’t talking about the classic children’s candy…

The fools won’t let me embed so you’ll have to watch it here.

(Side Note: I love the Rap Video Hos in this one. These skanks really think they’ve made the BIG TIME!)


Run DMC, “Tricky”

I loved them on that episode of Reading Rainbow.

Take Away: Life is tough, but you can persevere!

RIP Jam Master Jay

Shout out to Penn’s frizzy pouf bangs.

And it wouldn’t be any ESSENTIAL RAP list, without the greatest. The man to whom every one of our TUES-the-EXTREME days are dedicated to…our Patron Saint, Vanilla Ice! He had a little ditty back in the day with BABY in the title! Ladies and gentlemen if your child only learns ONE lyrically inappropriate song before they leave for kindergarten, this NEEDS to be it.

Vanilla Ice, “Ice Ice Baby”

And there you have it, all you need to get your little baby b-boy or b-girl GANGSTA LEANING in the right direction! Everyone without a kid? Just say thank you for the SWEET Tues-the-Extreme soundtrack I just laid before you, enjoy!!!!!


Post on Request: A Baby Rap Primer. — 7 Comments

  1. Remember when Dylan went electric? Well, today marks the moment when Grouchy Muffin went white. Incredibly, suburban white. Pure honky.

  2. Mad Dad, you’re just still JEALOUS you didn’t win. It’s a POST ON REQUEST. No one hated on yours when YOU won, so STFU and get back to terrorizing countrysides with your boy-beard.

    And how the F*CK am I, a suburban white gurl gonna come off as ANYTHING other than that when discussing HIP HOP AND RAP? Should I do a shuck and jive racist persona that’s less white for you!? I’m a cracker assed cracker, cracker.

    Aaaaaand while were at it imma need YOU to be a lil’ less HIPSTER, you honky.

  3. Hah. Riled up the Crib Keeper!!!!!!! VICTORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM INVINCIBBLLLLLEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Bob Dylan is not the worst male vocalist of all time. There are much worse. Let’s start with Joe Cocker and end with Jack White

    I was not knocking the person’s choice for the Post on Request. Congrats to whoever won because I think there were several good entries that were funny. Not as funny as me. But life isn’t fair.

    FYI, I saw a chunky Mexican kid at the store yesterday wearing the flat-billed Cookie Monster hat.

    If I have a legit complaint, it’s that I know crap about hip-hop (although I enjoy it), and I was expecting to possibly find something new. Instead I find the BEASTIE BOYS, who are the most overrated musical act in the history of the WORLD. Cripes. FACT.

  4. We’ve NEVER agreed on the Beasties, and never SHALL. Yes, you riled me momentarily…but hey, even a broken clock’s right twice a day (not sure if that saying fits but I’m going with it.)

    Bob Dylan is the WORST. VOCALIST. EVER! Not even a question. Jack White is pretty awful, but he’s at least got some rockin’ tunes to back-em up.

    I wish I could have been there to see the fat kid.

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