Breaking News!* Paula Deen Has the ‘Betes!

Put down those sticks of butter and stop the mainline of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup, I’m going to need your FULL attention for this one…PAULA DEEN IS ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE SHE has DIABETES!

OH NO, Y’ALL!!!!!!!

With the saddening news, Paula can no longer eat many of her recipes. Of course, she’s also rumored to have signed a multi-million dollar endorsement deal with the company who manufactures the drug she is taking to control her illness. That’s it gurl, already making SUGAR-FREE lemonade with those lemons!

Rather than go on a rant about how Paula can’t hock ‘betes meds while she stuffs our eyeballs with visions of fried fatty delights, I’m going to take this time to SCOOP out some additional BREAKING NEWS(!) about various Food Network “Stars!”

ITEM!

Guy Fieri is going to make a key-note speech at the 2012 International Douchebag Convention! He’s going to use words such as “TIGHT,” bro,” and will utter the phrase “Off da chain,” at least 7 times during the speaking engagement.

DOUCHE-CON 2012 OR BUST, SUCKAS!!!!!!!!

ITEM!

Rachael Ray’s voice is a combination of the following ingredients: razor blades, gravel, and rot gut whisky.

Just like your drunk Nana used to make.

ITEM!

“Super Chef,” Bobby Flay only has a 9th grade education. <—-100% true and actual.

One Dumb Leprechaun

ITEM!

Ina Garten is a PAID, RICH, SNITCH!

Suck it, poor people!

Finally…

ITEM!

Alton Brown is a methodical genius who will teach you how to cook the HAIL outta some food. <—I’ll never be able to hate on the BROWN!

I'm the only one of these Hos that knows how to Cook!

And because I’ll use any excuse to trot out this picture, I’ll remind everyone that there’s another portly, older, white-haired dynamo working the DIABETES circuit…WILFORD BRIMLEY!!!!

Word.

Real Talk: All I want to see is Paula and Wilford go at it in a vat of Quaker Brand Oatmeal. I’m getting the tingles in my down lows just thinking about it!

HAY, We’ll televise it and donate all the proceeds to Diabetes research! I know what song they can wrestle and possibly fall in love(?) to…

* Not really a big scoop.

via (Thanks Chuck!!)


Comments

Breaking News!* Paula Deen Has the ‘Betes! — 2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Paula Deen Responds To Hateful Hating Diabetes Haters Who Hate Her « The Twist

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *