EXTREME CRISIS! Alternate title: CONSUME TWINKIES, you Ding Dongs!

We need to save TWINKIE THE KID!

I wish I had a better note to start off your Tues-the-Extreme Day on, but there’s a business and financial crisis that we must devote our entire focus and energy on fixing.

Hostess, the snack cake brand that houses hilariously named treasures such as: Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho’s and Twinkies, is about to file for Chapter 11 protection.

Seems the cost of sugar and other key ingredients have left the AMERICAN BUSINESS ICON, upside down financially. Hostess currently owes over 50 million to investors and despite selling over 2.5 BILLION in snack cakes last year, the company is in a dire financial situation.

If Hostess doesn’t come up with some cash soon, they could have to hit the streets and sell their Dingdongs, like common Ho-Hos (crowd groans.)

A future without the conveniently packaged and delicious baked delicacies?? No America, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We can’t let this happen.

Look, I know all of you are on this whole healthy kick,  life can’t be all about industrially baked goods and chocolate covered pizza rolls. But while you were at Whole Foods purchasing your free-range, organic, carb-less whatnot, AN AMERICAN INSTITUTION lay dying. The very least we (YOU) can do is go out and buy a box (or 7) of your favorite hostess creations. Why? Because we owe it to Hostess!

Who was there for you when you got dumped? What did you scarf while you were up all night cramming for that thing you aced last-minute? When “weekend Dad” wanted to show you he was cooler than your Mom, what did he allow to stay in the grocery cart?And finally, remind yourself what you threw yourself into a pile of when you got fired…that’s right, HOSTESS BRAND SNACK CAKES.

I love to eat DING DONGS (getyourmindoutofthegutter!)

Twinkies are as American as Morbid Obesity and Reality Television revolving around New Jersey, we can’t let this icon of ingenuity fail. Afterall, if there’s no Hostess, what are YOU going to insist on devouring while you’re drunk as a skunk at the State Fair? No Hostess = No FRIED Twinkies.

Get out there, and let’s win one for Diabetes, er AMERICAN BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Greatest Name for a Product EVER

Side Story: I had my BIG baby shower for Angry Baby at a Chuck-E.-Cheese (more on that some other time.) In lieu of a big baby cake for my guests, I requested a “bevy of Twinkies and Ding Dongs.” The Rooster, who in another professional life was an Event Planner, individually tied curly ribbon around 10 boxes of each, and filled a baby carriage with the goodness. In a word, it made all other cakes look like garbage!

Nothing but the best for my guests.

Please let that RAG, the Wall Street Journal be full of malarkey.

SAVE HOSTESS!!!!!!!

Real Talk: I haven’t been this upset since they killed Cochise in the classic 70’s movie, Cooley High…it’s only fitting I leave you with this song. Let the waves of sadness and regret roll over you AND fuel your quest for Hostess baked goods consumption. Only, unlike best friend Cochise, Hostess isn’t dead…yet.

via <—Bet you didn’t know I read the WSJ. We’s smart!


Comments

EXTREME CRISIS! Alternate title: CONSUME TWINKIES, you Ding Dongs! — 9 Comments

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  2. After a long fun-filled day on tour…I mean at the Fatima Playground…my mom used to take us to the Chevron on 14th and Palmer and I’d always get a pack of Ho-Hos and a Dr. Pepper and I developed a nice backside as a result of it. How can Hostess leave us and not allow skinny white girls the chance to have a little J.I.T.???? Not fair at all.

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