Not gonna lie, the New Year ruled for me (Dick Clark and all) it started with a Bang! (I’m talking about fireworks, you pervert!) And continued with yours truly being productive, de-cluttering, and for the most part, spending time with the sweetest, happiest, laughingest little cutie I’d ever met.
Angry(?) Baby seemed to have turned a new leaf for the New Year. Of course, even during her blissful sweetness, she’d still slap and attempt to punch people in the face when she was ticked off, but for the most part it was pure Heaven.
She snuggled and even napped with me. We went places and she was a doll, she climbed up on the love seat just to curl up and chill with me. In short, I was on cloud nine. So much so, that after over a week of Angry(?) Baby and Mama bonding bliss, I was ready to go public. I sat down and wrote a brilliant account of my kinder, gentler daughter. The title? “What Child is this?” <—- I’m so clever! If only I weren’t so humble.
It was scheduled to publish yesterday afternoon at 12:55pm. I purposely scheduled it during Angry Baby’s weekly play date… AKA Crib Keeper stuffs herself with delicious food and hangs with her best moms, while Angry(?) Baby plays and socializes with three different cuties of varied and close enough ages.
I scheduled it during playgroup because I was feeling triumphant, and by 12:55 I would be the mother of a kid who was surely going to be winning them over at playgroup with her new, improved and kinder attitude. By 12:55 Angry(?) Baby was sure to be a hit, I couldn’t wait!!!
But as you can see, there was no post. Matter of fact, THAT POST WILL NEVER BE SEEN, because I killed it. Well, trashed it anyway. Regardless, the post entitled, “What child is this?” while hilarious, witty, and written by a beautiful beauty, will never see the light of your screen. It’s dead to me.
Once upon a time, a captivating and oh so humble mother decided to brag about a well-behaved child, the universe immediately recognized this trick trying to play a trick and SMASHED HER INTO THE GROUND.
10:20 we are in White Lightning on the way to play group, Angry(?) Baby starts “singing” along to Loverboy’s “Turn me Loose,” I chuckle and decide to sing with her, not seeing the obvious foreshadowing in the sage classic song’s lyrics.
10:43 Angry(?) Baby is sound asleep.
10:55 We arrive at FabBab’s place ready to enjoy an early lunch filled with laughs and playtimes. I awaken and unbuckle the little cherub, excited for her debut as a sweetie.
10:56 upon entering FabBab’s I gently place Angry(?) Baby on the ground and she instantly began to scream. I walked away, as she usually enjoys having a good scream before she starts playing with her friends.
That’s where it all began and ended.
“Here, Angry Baby, come sit down, you poor baby.” Jojo offered her a small chair at the kids table.
Immediately, one of the twin girls (a former screaming jerk at playgroup herself,) said: “No Baby, you can’t sit here, you’re too loud!”
Well, that didn’t bode well with Angry(?) Baby and I scooped her up and sat with her. She continued to cry. And when I say “cry,” I mean: snot-bustin’ vocal-straining, redder than lipstick, f*cking loud screaming…all INCHES FROM MY FACE. I placed her on the ground thinking she wanted down, Angry(!) Baby yelled louder, I picked her right back up.
After an hour of straining to hear over my furious baby, and eating the most delicious salad I’ve ever come across with one hand, while fighting off pieces of macaroni being flung at me by my lap mate, I had just about had it.
Kid wasn’t having any of it. Her little hiney was ready to peace out when we got there and after a full body workout from fighting a sweaty, freakishly strong 14 month old, I decided to call it quits and take my lumps from Karma.
And not a moment too soon, just as I packed up my belongings and bid a tearful farewell to the salad left in my bowl, the other kids decided they’d had enough and mean girl once again (who was a TWIN pain in the azz with her sister mere months ago,) went over to Angry Baby and told her to “stop crying, she was ruining everything.” Unfortunately for our tiny social planner, the other babies decided to follow suit and began crying.
“Well, my work here is done.”
I gave our apologies, regrets and agreed to be back next Wednesday. As I strapped Angry(!) Baby into her car seat, she started smiling and giggling. Matter of fact, since I walked through the door with her to go home, she had stopped crying.
The rest of the day she was a well-mannered human child. Gone was the she-wolf/killer bee hybrid that showed up for playgroup, my normal, serious, spirited little cutie. Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot?
And today? This morning was met with laughs and playing that transitioned into a lunch with fellow Momgyver and friend, Jem. We went to this little out of the way Italian bistro called, The Olive Garden,” never heard of it? I’m not surprised. What can I say? I’m cool and class all the way!
I can sense you vultures are just sitting on the edges of your seats, waiting to hear all about my time in combat, well..forget it. Let’s just say it was a 60/40 dining experience. 60% was spent with a well-behaved, sweet, curious, Angry(?) Baby. Then Jem decided to
screw me over, say: “You know, she’s been such a good child here lately when we go out, she’s definitely no longer that same handful.”
With my death knell uttered, the other 40% of lunch was filled with a hostile, yelling, temper tantrum throwing, wiggling demon. A true Jekyll and Hyde if I’d ever seen one.
But I ain’t mad at her, my ham hocks didn’t need another breadstick, plus there was a couple on a romantic lunch date right next to us, anytime I can add conversation fodder to a stalling first date, I love to help. And there also was a table of business ladies who thought everything she did was precious, to them she was like a living YouTube. So you’re welcome, I guess.
But that’s me, I’m a humble giver who lives to give. And devastatingly beautiful, but I’m not one to brag.
Since lunch, she’s been quietly playing and listening to music, like nothing happened. Matter of fact, she turned sweet the moment she got her way and we left the restaurant.
And now my darlings, you’re all caught up. I hope you enjoyed reading the tale of my hubristic rise and fall. Oh who am I kidding, you GHOULS eat it up like cheese fries.
What am I going to do? I can’t beat her, she nods off during my lectures, and I can’t stay shackled to the radiator forever. Crib Keepers gots to be free, even if their kid decides to be a total chickweed, while out of the house.