YUMMY

Angry Baby has a cold, it’s her first. She’s up every 2 hours due to discomfort from the congestion and has two steady, green “Holiday Candles,” flickering under her nose. For the most part, she’s been her usual sparkling self, save a few EXTRA temper tantrums at meal times. She hates not being able to breathe out of her nose, and eating/ drinking reminds her.

Me? Oh, I’m holding up. Spoiler Alert: Lover Fo’ Life had to tap in yesterday because I was toast.

Luckily, I’m a FREEK for antibacterial soaps and wipes during a cold and between the two, I’m fighting getting Angry Baby’s sickness with everything I gots. I’m also popping Zinc tablets just in case. While my hands may soon turn to Jerky from all the rigorous hand-scrubbings, FOR NOW, I’M WELL.

Angry Baby is being a champ about it, she’s never one to cuddle or enjoy long embraces, so I’m comforting her by singing and playing with her. Oh and The Muppet Christmas Carol on constant loop isn’t hurting either. Why, save the EXTRA tantrums and perpetual THICK, GREEN, SNOT, you’d never know she was sick!

Real Talk: I’m the one that needs to be mommied. My kid is grossing the HAIL out of me with this snotty, spitty, moist, sickness. It’s super gross-o-modo, folks.

Those of you with kids are most likely grumbling, “Yeah, thanks for reminding me, jerk.” And those of you without children (AKA people who get uninterrupted sleep,) I can smell your morbid curiosity all the way over here…so for you, my dear ghouls, I will break it down Nurse Crib Keeper-style.

Things I’ve Learned thanks to Angry Baby’s Cold (So Far.)

1. When sick, AB’s entire torso becomes covered in a slick wetness. No matter how many times we clean her, it reappears. I assume this is because she is breathing out of her TEETHING 3 Molars mouth. Imagine Niagara Falls in a rainstorm drinking a Big Gulp. It’s disgusting.

2. My child is a temporary “mouthbreather.” She’s avoiding her nose every chance that she can get, because of this, the kid sounds like a pervy prank caller.

3. Angry Baby’s sneezes have “Holiday Gifts,” in every last one of them. (Shout out to Clorox Cleaning Wipes!)

4. I don’t want to know why her favorite blanket feels like it just got out of the washing machine. PS The cold and horrific discovery of this actual “wet blanket,” will haunt me to my grave.

5. If you aren’t vigilant with multiple warm water baby baths throughout the day, Angry Baby’s nose develops a crust thicker than a Chicago-Style pizza.

See?? All the more reason why you’re SO GLAD you’re not me. Take some time today to look around and enjoy your non-snot covered surroundings, hooray for you! Boo for me.  

Ladies and Gentlemen, I leave you with the THEME SONG for this Baby Cold, “Whoomp! There it is”….only I sing snot instead of “Whoomp”