Happy 30th Birthday, BRITNEY!

Once upon a time...

Britney Jean Spears, the former teenage tart with a heart, America’s skanky sweetheart is THIRTY YEARS OLD today.

It’s been thirty years since she step-ball-changed out of mama Lynn’s dainty parts. I know there are tons of you out there pumping your fists to the sky, screaming “WHY!?!?” I can hear your sobs now…

What happened to the time. Where did the years go?

Seems like it was just yesterday that she was suggestively licking inanimate objects in public while she touted her virginity <—- never has a sarcastic italic had to work so hard.

The girl who was not yet a woman, blossomed into the Prom Queen to Justin Timberlake’s King, it seemed pop music fans and teens finally had a fairytale ending. But it would all vanish faster than the buzz of hair clips.

As with every damaged child-peformer…Britney was treated like a product and fed delusions of entitlement. She surrounded herself with the wrong kinds of people, slipped and fell on Kevin Federline’s SUPER-POTENT dirtbag semen, and went bat sh*t crazy.

Oh Britney. You are my hero.

Breath Taking

You’re a hot mess express who hasn’t looked good in YEARS. Oh sure, every once in a while they trot you out like a once proud lioness who has been drugged /chained in the back of the barn…but your glory days, I fear are waaay behind you. Yet you still churn out enough to keep me and fancy lads in love with you. Gurl, you got skills.

I'll always be a slave, for you.

I’ll never forgive you for breaking Justin Timberlake’s heart, nor will I forgive your atrocities on the Mickey Mouse Club (MMC.) But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. The fancy lad in me can’t quit you, and the pervert in me wishes every day were your 2000 VMA performance. Sigh.

Forever in our hearts.

Welcome to thirty Brit-Brit. It rules. I’m not even saying that because I have to. Your thirties are the best…why?

  1. Because you instantly shed all the DRAMA the moment you strike 30. Always in crisis people cease to bother you, because you grow the stones to move beyond jerks and hangers-on that have clouded your life before.
  2. YOU DON’T CARE about nearly as many petty things as you used to. Oh sure, you’re human therefore can’t be rid of our innate pettiness, but you rise above the stupid competitions.
  3. You have more experience in the professional world and have more MONEY. Sure, you might not be at the top of your earning potential, but you’re a darn site better financially than you were  at 20!
  4. You still look great. At thirty your looks are still in the prime of beauty. Bonus: you have a little something called CONFIDENCE to work all that beauty with! (Well, not you Britney, but fear not: you have stylists, people who will lie-tell to you and say you look great, and Photoshop!)

So: More Money, Success, less drama, no scumbags, and YOU’RE STILL GORGEOUS!? Yep, that sums it up…your 30’s rule. To those of you in your late twenties reading this, you should be saying: I WANNA GO!!!!!!!

Autotune and computer music has finally caught up with her talent level, I can’t hate, the song is catchy and the video rules too.

TO THE GHOST OF BRITNEY SPEARS FOREVER HOT THROUGH THE MAGIC OF THE INTERNET!


Comments

Happy 30th Birthday, BRITNEY! — 5 Comments

  1. It’s a sad sad commentary that she used to be my hero. But I still will always secretly worship at the alter of pop-juicyness that is Britney Spears. Even after the gold at her fingertips turned rapidly to Cheeto dust, in 2004.

  2. I want to know how she is obviously always drunk and still has great abs… I drink all the damn time and still have a keg where my 6-pack should be. 🙁

  3. What an amazing tribute to such a classy hot chick…I live, breathe and love her. But yes she will always be the girl who made it rain on JT and that is….my friends- unforgivable.

  4. Pingback: Britney Spears Is 30 Years-Old Today! « The Twist

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