Greetings my beautiful babies! I have returned from a week at the Family Ranch and I’ve got some real yuk-yuks to share. But before we get to all of that, apparently the rest of America went bonkers on BLACK FRIDAY(!) Some real Lord of the Flies antics went down while I was away. Y’all are some crayzay SNITCHES!
True Story: One of the Ranch Revelers (my sis in law, Amaris) peaced out temporarily to go get some DEAL$. And while she was at Wal-Mart scooping up every last DVD she could get her mitts on, Amaris witnessed a woman hit another woman over the head with an apple (the fruit not the brand)…for the LAST TOASTER.
Yeah, you read that correctly…over a toaster.
Can I just be the first to say: That toaster could have been FREE and I wouldn’t have resorted to violence through fruit propulsion. It’s a flurking toaster, for crying out loud. I’m assuming the apple wielder got caught up in the adrenaline of snatching up bargains, because there is NO OTHER explanation.
I mean really, who here doesn’t already have a toaster? I have like 3 of them in my garage. Was this lady afraid she wouldn’t be able to go into EVERY SINGLE STORE IN AMERICA and get a toaster for like, five bux!? Those things are cheap YEAR ROUND. And let’s say you didn’t have a toaster, is crunchy Wonderbread browned to perfection (slathered with butter,) worth clobbering someone on the head with a produce? Hmmm…now that I think of it…toast is pretty delicious.
But this isn’t about nutbag suburbanites who have nothing better to do than compete against each other brutally for crap no one will care about come Dec. 26th…it’s about
BUYING STUFF IN YOUR UNDERWEAR CYBER MONDAY!!!!!
Happy Cyber Monday everyone! Today is the day where you can get just as good (if not better) holiday shopping deals, from the comfort of your chair. Sit on your duff + computer= hit up every sale with the quickness of the interwebs!
The day you waste time at work buying things you have to work to waste money on!
The shopping event with a name that harkens back to the early AOL/pervert chatrooms of yore. For all you youngsters… back in the day, adding CYBER to any term instantly made it COOL and from the FUTURE! Spoiler Alert: That’s not the case anymore.
In the interest of full disclosure: A few Cyber Mondays back, I had a real humdinger of a day at work, I came home, drank a tumbler full of Gin and decided to do all of my shopping DRUNK AS A SKUNK. Let’s just say Christmas that year was a constant loop of me apologizing for horrible gifts. At the end of the day, as Lover fo’ Life and I sat on our couch and reflected into our roaring fireplace, I swore I would “never online Holiday shop drunk again.” Sigh, those precious Christmas/Hanukkah memories!
Cyber Monday is a fake-holiday after my own heart, you see… the day is a study in TIME WASTING THROUGH THE INTERNET!!!! And if there’s one thing I’m all about it’s HELPING YOU avoid that thing you should do for that person. So in the spirit of the manufactured shopping “event,” I say:
HAPPY SURFING THE INTERNETS, LOLLYGAGGING, SKYLARKING, WORK AVOIDING, CYBER MONDAY!!!!
If only we could give it a new name…hmmm this next 12 months I’ll put my brainmeat to work on creating a less dated, more relevant name for this glorious day of goofing off.