What in the heck was I thinking!? I have really gone and screwed up royally. MASSIVELY, HUGELY! Allow me to explain…
Before today, Angry Baby has been in shoes exactly 5 times in her life. There is only one thing that makes Angry Baby the Angriest in this life, and it’s wearing shoes. Want to see a baby go from sleeping to frothing at the mouth with rage in 60 seconds or less? PUT SHOES ON MY KID.
Because of this, Angry Baby was shoeless for months with no issues. Then she began to walk, and it became clear the time for shoes was upon us…I avoided it. I let Angry Baby’s little hamsteak feets go naked until, this morning. Why this morning?
One week from tomorrow we will be heading up to the family ranch, just outside of Stephenville Texas, FIVE HOURS away from Angry Baby Manor. Lover fo’ Life, Angry Baby, El Rey and I are packing up and will be living it up at the Liberty Longhorn Ranch for 5 whole days in celebration of Thanksgiving. I’ll tell you more about the ranch later, for now it’s all about the shoes.
See, there are all sorts of critters, pokey things and rough terrain at the Ranch, YOU CAN’T GO BAREFOOT! Angry Baby is gonna be in shoes all day, every day while we explore, hike, play, and relax with the family. I’ve got a little over one week, to take this kid from furious on her feets to fun-loving and fancy free in her NEW SHOES!
Today is the first day, and I figure I’d fill you in on how it was going.
Mission: Train Angry Baby to wear shoes happily in a flippin’ week. <—- Fool
How? Through constant exposure. From 8am -6pm every day she is in socks and tied shoes. Angry Baby gets 2 hours of shoe-free time in the morning and a 1-2 hour shoe-free break before bedtime. (Shoes are worn during all naps.)
Hey, it may seem cruel, but it’s not. I modeled it after a typical day of fun at the Ranch, we get started early, and I imagine Angry Baby will knock off fairly soon each evening. By next week she should be adjusted to wearing shoes.
Day One Step One: Put Shoes on Angry Baby’s Feets.
The Shoes: Size 4 Stride-Rite Clunky Learn to walk boot-shoe hybrid things. They are tough enough to hold up to whatever this kid can get into.
The Feet: Kicking flailing and furious.
The Result: Shoes on! (After my face, chin and throat were kicked during the 15 minute
screaming match process.)
Step Two: Outrage.
Once Angry Baby was safely latched into her
foot prisons shoes, began the real fun. It was time to WALK(!) in those clod hoppers! I placed a calming down Angry Baby on the floor and she instantly began to cry.
Her feet were magically glued to the ground, she was unable to move them. At all. As her tears turned to yelling, she decided to get mad about it, and began to stomp. The stomping infuriated her even more and she crumbled on to the carpet and began screaming and throwing a grand royal, rhodium- plated, hissy fit. I couldn’t help but laugh (after I was horrified.) And the laughing caused her to stop and stand to storm off. As she stood she yelled and looked at the shoes, and then at me, and back to her shoes. I wasn’t budging this time, “The shoes stay on, kid!”
Step Three: Acceptance
She marched off, angry in every teeter and totter of her wobbly gait. As we left lunch with Granny this afternoon, she clomped like a proud Clydesdale horse, broken by the chains of beer mascot-ing. Haughty, independent and hating every step.
Now? The shoes are on and she’s happily playing. I notice she’s walking and standing with no anger towards her chunky shackles. Every once in a while she attempts to remove them, but alas! The mechanics of modern shoe technology vex her.
Day One is going better than I expected. Here’s to the next few days following suit.
Wish me luck, and don’t be a fool like I was, SHOE TRAIN YOUR ANGRY BABIES EARLIER THAN I DID!!!!!!!!